“You’re Unlovable” And 14 Other Lies Your Anxiety Tells You About Love

It’s tough to navigate the scary and emotionally vulnerable world of dating. Adding anxiety to the mix complicates matters even more. When your neuroses flare up, you have to remember that they aren’t indicative of reality. These are some of the wild rumors your brain perpetuates that simply aren’t real:

  1. He’s out of your league. It’s easy to give up on someone you like out of fear. Your brain tells you that it’ll never happen anyway because whoever the guy is, he wouldn’t like you back if he knew you had feelings for him. This belief grows out of a fear of rejection and usually isn’t based in any truth.
  2. He’s not interested in you as a person. It’s normal to find this idea scary, especially as you grow to really like someone. It’s horrible to develop feelings for a guy just to find out that he’s only interested in getting you into bed. The best way to avoid this happening is to breathe, take it slow, and trust your gut.
  3. You aren’t pretty/skinny/cool enough. Anxiety is a terrible confidence killer. You’re honestly ruining your chances before you even begin because if you don’t believe you’re worthy, you’ll never get what you want. You accept the love you think you deserve—you have to start appreciating yourself more.
  4. You aren’t interesting. You’re probably drawn to fun and fascinating men but then you draw back, worried they’ll find you boring and ordinary. You’re doing yourself a disservice and you’re actually doing the same to them by denying them the opportunity to decide for themselves how they see you.
  5. You aren’t smart enough. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t seem bright, and sometimes you worry that you can’t keep up with the mental prowess of the men you date. Your brain creeps in and tells you that these guys think you are dumb. Stop sabotaging yourself! They’re clearly dating you for a reason.
  6. You haven’t accomplished enough. Everyone has different rates of growth in life. Some accomplish a lot at a very young age, while it takes others longer to figure out what truly works. Don’t judge yourself against the ruler of another person’s story. Be kind to yourself and grow in your own personal way.
  7. He thinks you’re lame. First of all, if you’re being yourself and living authentically, who cares what he thinks? If he does treat you condescendingly or dismissively, you shouldn’t be wasting your time. If he shows no sign of that and seems genuine in his emotions towards you, tell your anxiety to cut it out.
  8. You annoy him. It’s easy to fall into a mental trap where you start to second-guess everything you say and do just because you’re worried a guy doesn’t like it. He’s with you for who you are. If he didn’t actually like it, he wouldn’t be there. Everyone gets on each other’s nerves sometimes, but don’t make it a bigger deal than it is.
  9. You aren’t good enough in bed. Your anxiety can really go rampant here, causing you to lie awake in bed at night wondering if his exes were better at X, Y, and Z than you are. Stop. It’s so irrelevant. The guy is with you and not them, and that’s for a reason. Let go of all the noise in your head and trust that he’s into you.
  10. He’s only with you because he’s too lazy to leave. You might look at other relationships and see that they are only together because it’s easier than breaking up. That’s scary and it sends you into a mental tailspin. You can avoid going to the dark place by opening up and having honest conversations with him. It’ll reassure you about what he’s feeling.
  11. He’s always lying to you. It can be very tough to trust people, and it’s even harder when you have anxiety issues. You have to remember that there’s no way to ever know for sure that someone is being honest with you—it requires a good deal of blind trust. If you can’t let go of your fear, you’re going to have a tough time dating.
  12. No man could ever really love you. This fear comes from a deep-seated lack of self-esteem and a long history of anxiety problems. You’re so afraid of losing love once you have it that your anxiety tells you that you could never get real love in the first place. This keeps you safe from anticipated pain but also deprives you of real joy.
  13. As soon as you trust him, he’ll hurt you. Sometimes it really does feel like as soon as you let yourself finally open up to someone, that person runs away. It’s a maddening feeling, but you can’t live life in fear forever. It’ll keep you from ever being truly intimate with your partner. Your anxiety is not your friend.
  14. Lasting love doesn’t exist. This belief comes from anxiety mixed with a healthy dose of cynicism. Creating a stable relationship takes a lot of effort and hard work, and your anxious brain doesn’t believe that you’re capable of making it happen. Don’t fall prey to that—listen to your gut and believe in yourself.
  15. You aren’t worth his time and effort. Another huge fear that comes from an anxious mind is that you somehow don’t deserve a man who really loves you and works at keeping you in his life. Even if you find someone who treats you well in this way, you don’t believe it’ll last. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it’s miserable. You have to work at pushing those fears aside.
A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and Thought Catalog. Amy is the founder of What If Journey and can be found on Twitter @amyhorton18. You can also visit her website at amyhorton.net.