I’m Upfront About What I Want From The First Date—If He Can’t Handle It, He Can’t Handle Me

Frankly, I think being direct on a first date is always the best policy. If a guy thinks that my straightforwardness from the get-go is too much, I have no interest in him, no matter how attractive he is in other areas. Here’s why:

  1. I’m not interested in wasting my time on someone who isn’t ready to commit. You can cut out a lot of time if you just tell someone straight up what kind of relationship you’re looking for. I’m not interested in casual dating, and any guy who I’m thinking about being with needs to know that as soon as possible. If he’s not ready to commit, it’s better for everyone if that’s established from the very beginning so we can go our separate ways and not waste each others’ time.
  2. If the intellectual chemistry isn’t there, we may as well be hookup buddies. Don’t get me wrong, looks and sexual attraction are really important, but dating someone you can’t have a meaningful conversation with isn’t going to lead to a fulfilling relationship. I need real connection out of a relationship and for that, I need to be just as attracted to a guy’s mind as I am to his body.
  3. Guys who aren’t willing to listen to what you need from the beginning aren’t going to get any better once you start dating them. People often say that first impressions are usually wrong, but when it comes to dating, first impressions are almost always right, if you know which red flags to look for. If a guy isn’t interested in hearing what you have to say on your very first date when he’s trying to make a good impression, imagine what he’d be like once you’ve gotten comfortable with each other.
  4. If he’s looking for a girl without opinions or standards, I’m not it and we should go our separate ways as quickly as possible. Some guys are only interested in dating uncomplicated girls who don’t ask for much out of a relationship. If that’s what a guy wants, he should know right away that that’s not what he’s going to get from me. I have high standards when it comes to relationships, and if he’s not willing to rise to them, we are not going to make it very far.
  5. Honesty needs to be established right away. Honesty is key to any good relationship, and I want any guy who I’m considering dating to know how seriously I take it. Being truthful with your partner shouldn’t just start when the relationship gets serious or when someone has been dishonest, it should start even before you’re officially dating. It’s never too soon to establish trust.
  6. It prevents a much more awkward conversation down the line. You’re going to have to say what you want out of a relationship at some point, so why wait? The longer you leave it, the more awkward it will be when you finally bring it up. If you wait until after you’ve started dating to bring up your concerns, he’ll wonder why you hadn’t mentioned them before, and it could cause a rift in your relationship.
  7. I don’t settle for half-assed relationships. Let’s get this straight from the beginning: I’m not interested in being someone’s Tinder pen-pal or hooking up whenever one of us is horny. Everyone goes through those phases, but it’s important to recognize when you’re ready for a genuine relationship and how to make that clear to guys right away. If he can’t handle it, clearly we shouldn’t be together.
  8. Laying ground rules at the start of a relationship is the best way to make sure no one gets hurt. Almost all fights and breakups are the result of some kind of miscommunication. Sometimes it’s just a matter of a couple not really understanding what their partner wants or what they’re not okay with. Being upfront with a guy about what you want out of a relationship will drastically decrease your chances of getting hurt later on. Lay your cards out on the table and see if he rises to the challenge.
  9. I’m not asking him to fall in love with me on the first date, but it is important for him to know what I’m after. Look, we’re all adults here. Love at first sight is very rare and often not super trustworthy. I don’t expect a guy to want to marry me after the first date, but it is important that he knows what I want. If the thought of a real relationship scares him, I’m more than happy for him to move along. Love can never be established when you don’t know what the other person’s relationship goals are.
  10. A guy who’s afraid of committing to me will have all kinds of other commitment issues that I don’t want to be a part of. Not being able to handle a straightforward conversation about what a committed relationship looks like for you is a serious red flag. Any guy who’s too afraid of commitment to even have a hypothetical conversation about it will have all kinds of other issues. It’s best to figure that out now rather than later when you’re in too deep to get out easily.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.