I Used To Convince Myself That Every Guy I Dated Was My Soulmate

I used to think that every guy was my perfect match. I would sit there in my ignorant bliss and think about all the ways he was perfect for me and how amazing we were together. Our future would be planned to a tee and he wouldn’t have any clue. I basically entered in a relationship with the guy I created in my mind and not the one in real life. Here is why it was such a disaster:

1. I lived in a fantasy. I was the middle school girl doodling his name on post-its and thinking about where we should get married. Oh yes, I was that girl. My mind was consistently thinking ten steps ahead. Here he was right in front of me, and I couldn’t enjoy what exciting moment was happening! I was too excited for the next thing to happen that all the little moments were passing me by. The honeymoon phase was alive and well, but I was too busy thinking about where were actually going to honeymoon. I was too busy living in the world I created in my head.
2. I planned for the future way too early. It is easy to get caught up in the what-ifs. What if he’s “The One”? What if he wants five kids instead of three? What if, what if, what if. Every girl gets excited about the idea of this relationship being the last one. I’d gone through so many bad relationships and awful heartbreak that all I wanted was to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
3. I was disappointed when he didn’t live up to my unrealistic expectations. Only of my favorite quotes is “Disappointment comes with expectation.” I fell so hard for a guy that I expected him to be everything I wanted and more. When he didn’t live up to these unrealistic expectations, I was disappointed and started to think maybe he isn’t “The One”… but maybe I could make him be “The One.” Wrong!
4. We were never on the same page. With these unrealistic expectations, I was never on the same page with the guy I was dating. I would be thinking about how I could make this work in the long term, when he was just trying to enjoy the moment and enjoy each other in the now. I wanted things to progress at my speed and thought if they weren’t, something was wrong. Did he not like me? Was this just a fling? My mind would race into the future while he was blissfully granny walking in the present. I was obsessed with always making it work — it didn’t matter how slow he wanted to take things or if he cared as much as I did.  I was going to make this work, no matter what.
5. I was afraid to rock the boat. I always wanted the guy to the make the first move. I wanted them to talk about their feelings first, or say “I love you” first. I wouldn’t dare be that girl who said “I love you” without knowing for sure he would say it back. I was mortified at the idea of saying the wrong thing or letting him know how much I really did care about him. It was easier to not rock the boat or make it possibly uncomfortable, so I never said how I felt about him in detail. Not until he would, which was a horrible idea. How can you be in a relationship where you can’t openly express how much you care?
6. I became clingy. I was so worried about the status of our future that I became obsessed with him. It wasn’t good or bad, but I just wasn’t me. I became so consumed by what our relationship could be that I lost myself in the fantasy. I wanted to be everything he wanted and more, that I lost sight of what I really wanted. I wanted to be in control of what happened to us so badly, and healthy relationships don’t work out like that.
7. Our lives became too intertwined too fast. Being a couple is an amazing thing — having your best friend as your partner and having someone to depend on are wonderful. But feeling this way also makes it very easy to become too comfortable, especially when his friends become your friends and you grow close to his family. I clicked with everyone in his life so fast, almost faster than I clicked with him. Things were easy and I genuinely loved them. My feelings towards his family and friends made things more complicated. Growing so close to people in his life too fast scared him because those relationships are hard to untangle if something were to go wrong.
8. I became a control freak. I was terrified every time something didn’t happen the way I planned. It could be something as little as not getting a text within five minutes or us not agreeing on what to eat for dinner. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect. The truth is, we have no control over how the universe brings two people together. Sometimes, no matter how much two people love and care for each other, if the timing isn’t right, it doesn’t work. The right one will work for reasons we can’t control. We hope every time is the last time, and that makes us hopeful, not hopeless.