I Used To Think Something Was Wrong If A Guy Didn’t Try To Sleep With Me On The First Date—WTF?

When I was younger—which admittedly was not that long ago—I’d be totally thrown if a guy didn’t at least TRY to sleep with me on the first date. I was sure that meant there was something inherently unsexy about me that guys just weren’t into. Now I realize just how silly that was.

  1. I was sure these guys thought I was some kind of freak. At the end of the night, my date would kiss me on the cheek, say he had a nice time, and walk away. Frankly, that sounds super adorable now, but in my early dating life, I thought it meant that he didn’t want me because I was some kind of weirdo. I know, it’s a problem.
  2. I’d assume that I ruined the date somehow. If my date didn’t try to make a move, I’d assume that I did something to offend him or ruin the date. I mean, guys always want sex, so why didn’t they want it with me? I was so quick to blame it all on myself and never once did I think that the guy was just trying to be decent and not take advantage of me.
  3. I thought it meant I was ugly. I don’t want to be used for sex, so why I was offended that I guy didn’t want to use me for sex is beyond me. I’d tell myself that I should be SO hot that he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me. So many guys say that their sexual urges are out of their control, so you can see why when I noticed they weren’t biting.
  4. I couldn’t believe that a guy was nice to me just because. I thought that everyone in my generation was having sex on the first date. It wasn’t until I got older and more experienced in dating that I realized that a simple kiss goodnight is the BEST way to end a date and means that he genuinely does like me a lot.
  5. That goes to show what I think of men in general, I guess… Kinda funny how I automatically assumed that all men only want one thing and that when they didn’t want it from me, it was because I wasn’t good enough for them. Thanks for drilling it into female brains that the only thing we’re good for is sex, society.
  6. It was definitely rooted in low self-esteem. In reality, I was the one downgrading myself, not them. I assumed that I wasn’t worth spending money on and time with unless I somehow “paid them back” for it. How crazy is that? I obviously didn’t think too highly of myself back then.
  7. It never even dawned on me that they were just trying to be polite. I always thought “gentlemen” were a myth. My dad loved to warn me about how guys will take advantage of women and that I’d better watch out. Because of this, you can see why I used to get suspicious when my date didn’t act like a “typical guy” and actually respected me enough to wait to have sex.
  8. I assumed he felt sorry for me. Even when he kissed me good night, I had this feeling inside that he was only doing it because he felt pressured to do it or maybe he felt bad for me. I was obviously really insecure.
  9. I guess I used to see sex as the only valuable thing I could give to a man. Having sex was a sign that my date approved of me. As long as we had sex, I could breathe easy knowing that he liked me at least in some way. If he walked away without hinting at sex, I would get scared that either I’d never see him again or that he didn’t like me. If we DID have sex, I knew that we could at least be FWB and I could still feel at least partly good about that.
  10. It was hard for me to understand that a guy could be attracted to me for reasons besides my body. I’m smart, funny, kind, honest—all the things a person would want in a partner—but those traits aren’t things I was totally confident in, so I used to base a huge chunk of my self-worth on my body and was always surprised when guys would see past my appearance.
  11. I’ve now realized that I’m worth the extra few dates. Now that I’m a bit older, I’ve discovered that a guy walking away without asking for sex on the first date is actually a really good sign. It means he respects me as a whole person and is attracted to me on many levels, not just to my body. That’s what I value these days.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.