In the hookup culture we live in, delayed intimacy is almost a taboo topic. Many people jump right into it with someone they just met. I’m not saying immediate intimacy is wrong, I’m just posing the thought about what would happen if you held off for a while. Let’s explore some benefits to waiting to sleep with him.
- You can make the decision when it’s right for you. Of course, there’s no morality involved in what you do or don’t. You’re not bad if you sleep with him on the first date or good if you sleep with him on the 20th. Rather, I encourage you to sit and see how you feel about the decisions you make. What I say doesn’t really matter unless it aligns with your values. If your internal compass is feeling weird about jumping right into bed with a guy, keep on reading.
- Dating is a discovery process. Dating is meant to be a game of learning. In reality, most dates and relationships aren’t going to work out. This is just how it goes. When you give yourself enough space to breathe, think, feel, and talk with your friends, you’re slowing down the dating process and letting it unfold naturally. The reality is that you’re not meant to know on the first few dates if someone is the one, so waiting to sleep with him until you have a better idea will save you from some serious heartache.
- You can actually get to know him when it isn’t involved. When you jump right into bed with someone, you often start to fall in love with the idea of them. You tend to fantasize about how you think things are going to be because you’re so caught up. Alternatively, if you wait to sleep with him, you can get to know the real him minus the endorphin-filled projection. You can learn the person who is actually in front of you.
- You can focus on building real intimacy. Hookup culture and immediate gratification have ruined real intimacy. If you’re jumping right into bed with someone, you suddenly feel as if you’ve known them for ages. The hearts have filled your eyes and now you have your rose-colored lenses on. Instead of this old pattern, if you held off on sleeping with him, you’d actually be able to build a relationship with true intimacy. The intimacy I’m talking about is the kind where you get to know each other for who you both are and you build a lasting foundation of trust.
- You get a clean read on compatibility when endorphins aren’t flowing. The endorphins released afterwards feel amazing! They fill your body and your mind, making you all mushy-gushy. I’d totally understand if you wanted to feel them, but I’d also challenge you to think about how many times you’ve overlooked red flags because of the endorphins. You’ve made excuses and shrugged off dealbreaker behavior. If the endorphins aren’t clouding your mind, you have an easier time determining compatibility with less bias.
- You’ll weed out the guys that just want intimacy very quickly. Sure, it’s not wrong to sleep with everyone right away, but it often results in hurt. If it is all a guy wants, he’ll skip out when it’s over. On the contrary, if you’re actually looking for a relationship, waiting to sleep with him will weed out the dudes who are just looking to get laid. It’s really a great filter to bring you a better chance of finding a nice relationship.
- Anyone who’s interested in you in the long-term will have no problem with your choice to wait. Similar to weeding out guys who just want it, the ones who actually want a long-term relationship won’t have a problem with your choice to wait. The ones who are worthwhile will respect you and your decision because they’re in it for the long-haul.
- If you have any trauma, you won’t have to worry as much about being retriggered. At least one in five women have had the awful experience of being raped. Virtually everyone who’s experienced assault or rape has trauma; it’s par for the course. When women have traumatic histories, they are prone to being re-triggered. It is a huge trigger that can cause some women to shut down or to freak out. If you’re waiting to sleep with someone, the stakes aren’t so high. You’re holding off until you actually know the person, too, so it’s likely that the whole process will feel safer.
- It takes way less time to get over him if you don’t jump into bed. Have you ever slept with someone very early on and then had it not work out? Were you heartbroken or totally livid? It’s all of the endorphins I’ve been talking about. They mess with your body and they raise the stakes way higher than what they’d be if you held off. If you do wait to sleep with him, then you find out after a few dates that it wasn’t meant to be, I promise the pain will be less. It’ll take fewer days/weeks to get over him and your heart will be less broken. This is perhaps one of the biggest gifts that comes from waiting.