If You Want To Be With Me, Please Get Your Act Together First

No one’s life is without problems. We all have our issues and we should all be dealing with them maturely and responsibly like adults. I know that any man I meet will have baggage, but it’s your job to deal with it. I won’t be with a man who doesn’t have his act together.

  1. I can’t make you happy. Even if I tried, it wouldn’t work. It’s just not possible. No one in the world can make you happy, not even the girl of your dreams. Happiness is something that comes from within, so if your life is a mess and you’re unhappy with who you are or the things that you’ve done, that’s just something you’ll have to figure out on your own. When it comes to your unhappiness, I can’t help you.
  2. Fix your mistakes so you can learn from them. I don’t want to be with a guy who’s doomed to keep repeating his past mistakes. I don’t want to live like that and I don’t want to be with a man who refuses to grow as a person. I make choices every day and I learn from them. I expect the same from any man I date. If you’ve yet to learn from your past, then you’re not ready for a future with me.
  3. If your life is still a mess then you’re not ready for a relationship. If you can’t handle your life now, how are you supposed to handle a real relationship? Being in a relationship takes work, and I’m not going to do all the work for you. Take care of your own life before you even think about having a life with me. I deserve a guy who at the very least has his act together.
  4. I don’t want to get dragged into your problems. If you’ve made a pattern out of having drama in your life, then you’re not ready for a life with me. I don’t want to clean up your messes or worse, make a mess out of my life too. We can’t fall into a system where you mess up and I fix it or where we both keep getting dragged further and further to rock bottom. If you bring your problems into our relationship, then our relationship will only ever be a problem.
  5. I don’t want the drama. I’m not in high school or even college anymore. I’m a grown adult and I don’t need to have a relationship full of drama. If you don’t have your act together then our relationship will just be a disaster. You’ll take your problems out on me until we’ve both grown to fully resent each other. I have no interest in a relationship like that.
  6. I don’t want my whole life to become about you. I don’t want my role in life or in our relationship to be finding solutions to your issues. From time to time, I’m going to have my own problems and I’ll deal with them on my own like an adult because I have my act together. I just don’t want to be responsible for keeping your act together too.
  7. I want a man who’s independent. You can lean on me when you need someone, but I won’t let you be a complete dependent. You need to be able to take care of yourself. It’s not my job to make sure your life stays on track. That’s your responsibility. If you can’t have your own life when you’re in a relationship, then you’re not the right guy for me.
  8. I can’t love you until you learn to love yourself. I could never love you enough to make up for the fact that you don’t love yourself. I can’t be your only source of self-esteem. How you feel about life shouldn’t depend on me. You might have issues, but I can’t solve them. No matter how much I love you, you can’t love me back properly until you get yourself emotionally stable and learn to love yourself too.
  9. I want a man who can take responsibility for his life. You might want me to take charge and fix your issues, but being your girlfriend isn’t about me being in control. You can’t just let me run your life because it’s easier than figuring act out on your own. I can’t fix your problems and I won’t. That’s a job for you and you alone.
  10. I want to be with a man who can face his fears. We all have a past and we all make mistakes, but if you can’t face what you’ve done, you’ll never be rid of your regret. I don’t want to live stuck in the mistakes you’ve made. I don’t want to be afraid of what’s behind us.
  11. I want to be wanted, not needed. There’s a huge difference. If you come to me with all sorts of problems you’re hoping I can fix, then you need me in your life. You actually wouldn’t be able to survive without me — or at the very least, your life would be one hell of a disaster. I want a man who doesn’t need me by his side because he can handle his life on his own. He doesn’t need me to be there but he wants me. It’s a choice, not a necessity.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.