I Want To Get Intimate Way More Than My Boyfriend Does & Sometimes It Seriously Sucks

I love my boyfriend, but when it comes to getting down, he’s hardly ever interested. I never thought of my urges as anything more than average, but suddenly I’m the one who always initiates, often unsuccessfully. I’ve started doubting myself, him, our relationship, everything. Help!

  1. Aren’t guys meant to be the interested ones? I’ve heard about some guys not being into it that much, but I never believed it. All the guys have been with were always interested in getting down. I never felt like I had to work at it, or even ask. I really don’t know how to handle this situation, because it’s never been an issue for me. As a result, I’m feeling insecure, confused and frustrated all the time.
  2. It makes me feel insecure about my looks. Being attractive is a big part of my self-esteem. Yeah, I know that’s kinda shallow, but what can I say? I’m used to guys being attracted to me, so when my boyfriend doesn’t want to get down with me, it makes me question whether I am still as attractive as I was when we first started dating.
  3. It makes me question our relationship. It’s is an important part of a relationship for me, too. When I’m not interested in sleeping with a guy, it means I probably don’t want him as my boyfriend either. Even though my boyfriend keeps saying it’s nothing to do with me or our relationship, I’m not entirely sure I believe him. I keep thinking that something must be wrong between us for him to be like this.
  4. Is he cheating on me? If my boyfriend had someone else to sleep with, that could explain why he’s not interested in me. I’ve known this to happen to friends of mine, so I’m always going around thinking my boyfriend may be directing his energy somewhere else. I don’t want to accuse him of cheating, because I’m afraid he might break up with me, but it’s a feeling I just can’t shake.
  5. I’m constantly frustrated. Feelings aside, the day to day reality of being with someone who doesn’t want to get down when I do is awful. I am basically always frustrated and there’s not much I can do about it. We share a bed, so I can’t even get myself off when I want to without it feeling too weird. I keep thinking I’d be better off on my own, cause at least then I could look after myself.
  6. I love him and don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I am also incredibly turned on by him all the time, which doesn’t help either. I’ve started noticing other guys in my life, but when I think about actually getting down with anyone else, it just feels wrong.
  7. I often wonder whether we’re even compatible. As much as I love him, I’ve begun to wonder whether we are really compatible. Intimacy is such a big part of life for me, so if it isn’t for him, it’s a big problem.
  8. He doesn’t like talking about it. I’ve asked him whether his lack of desire is due to stress or whether it’s just the way he is. The problem is, he doesn’t like to talk about it. He doesn’t seem to be interested in making compromises, either.
  9. Should he sleep with me anyway? I guess if the situation was reversed, as it often is with couples, I would feel weird about getting down just because the guy wanted me to. My BFFs would tell me I shouldn’t have to. Are things that different just because it’s a guy and we expect guys to be more into it than we are?
  10. I’ve tried toning down my urges but it’s not working. I keep trying to tell myself our relationship is great in other ways and that I should just match my desire to his, but I just physically can’t. I am what I am, I guess, just like he is who he is.
  11. I want to be with him but I’m constantly unhappy. This has been going on for so long that I’ve sort of gotten used to feeling rejected and unhappy all the time. Recently, though, I had a conversation with a friend and realized this is not a good way to be. It’s not – or shouldn’t be – normal.
  12. I’m torn between my intellectual and physical needs and I wish he could meet both. We get on so well in every other way – he’s smart, funny, caring and interesting to talk to. In many ways, he is the perfect boyfriend and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But when it comes to it, we are so different, it’s impossible for me to be truly happy. I keep telling myself my own desire will go down as I get older, but I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Do I even want to tone myself down just to be with someone?
  13. Sleeping with someone isn’t shallow — it’s part of a healthy relationship. I used to think it wasn’t as important as other aspects of a good relationship, but now I’m in this situation I realize it’s just as important as anything else. At least for me. I’m beginning to think that unless we can openly discuss this and resolve this situation in a way that works for both of us, it might be time for me to move on and find someone more compatible. It’s a horrible feeling, but the alternative is even worse.
Writer, artist, intrepid traveler and lover of cats, cheese and techno music. Preferably not all at the same time.