I Want Love But It Actually Scares The Hell Out Of Me

I Want Love But It Actually Scares The Hell Out Of Me ©iStock/portishead1

For the past several years, I’ve been waiting, wishing, hoping and searching for the right guy to bring genuine love into my life, but I’ve always come up short. It’s been a long time since I’ve truly been in love with someone or have had someone genuinely love me, and I’m actually not sure how I would handle the weight of those emotions. It’s not that I’ve forgotten what love is, it just scares the hell out of me.

  1. I’m worried I won’t be good at it. I’m at an age now where love and relationships are a game changer. People are getting married, buying houses together and starting genuine lives with the intentions of forever. I know how to adult on my own, but throwing someone else into that mix while giving them my heart in the process is scary AF. What if it doesn’t work? What if I screw it all up? What if I have to start all over again?
  2. What if I don’t recognize real love anymore? It’s been so long since I’ve given enough of a crap about someone to truly love them all the way that I’m not sure if I’ll even know the right guy if he’s staring me directly in the face. I’m so used to loser guys, disappointment and guys who’ll say whatever they can just to get me into bed that I’m not even sure what’s real anymore.
  3. I don’t want to screw it up by being scared. I’m worried that I carry so much fear about finding the right guy and praying he doesn’t end up like all the rest that I’ll self-sabotage any chance I have at real happiness. It’s never my intention to act completely guarded and to close myself off completely, but sometimes I just can’t help but feel stagnated by my experiences. It’s as if I’m so used to living in a constant sense of frustration from my dating life that I legitimately fear the next step in the journey.
  4. I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again. I’m terrified that I’ll finally find a guy to love who will love me right back, only to wake up one day to the harsh reality that he’s fallen out of it and walks out the door like so many others have. I know I need to be vulnerable, but it’s just so hard sometimes. When the right guy finally makes his way into my life, I only hope that the fear will fall away and that what’s meant to happen will unfold in a serendipitous way.
  5. I’m worried I don’t believe in love the same way that I used to. I’m not a total cynic, but there were times where I thought that love from a guy was the bottom line I needed to chase. On my way towards finding that, I’ve found myself and built an amazing life that I’m completely in love with. What if the love I’ve been hoping for isn’t enough to match that?
  6. I wonder if love is even meant for me. Sometimes I ponder the idea that I could end up without love — I wouldn’t be the first person. Although love does actually terrify me in a lot of ways, I’m equally as fearful that this crazy mission to find it could leave me with nothing. Why does this crap have to be so complicated?
  7. Giving up my lifestyle to make room for two is horrifying right now. I’m so used to being on my own and without a relationship in my life that I almost wonder if I could even handle the weight of it. The prospect of having a partner, loving him and inviting him into my crazy world where I’m so into my routine seems impossible at times. Then again, I guess deep down part of me also knows that if it really is the meant to be kind of love, those adjustments would come naturally — at least that’s the hope.
  8. I want to be vulnerable, but it’s just so damn hard. I want love and I want to be vulnerable but it’s not easy when you’ve become so used to being on your own and being caught in and endless loop of losers and disappointment. I’m trying to be positive, but when it really boils down to it, I’m actually pretty scared of love.