I Want A Relationship Until I’m In One—Then I Just Want My Freedom Back

You know that saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” Well, it definitely is for me. When I’m single, I crave a relationship and when I’m actually coupled up with someone, I wish I had my freedom back. What’s wrong with me?

I want companionship but I like being alone. I like having someone to laugh at my jokes or comment if the outfit I’m wearing doesn’t look quite right. That’s a huge plus of having a companion. On the other hand, sometimes I just want the quiet and the solitude. I like coming home alone some days so I can unwind by myself without having anyone in my space.

I like having someone to hold me accountable but I don’t like being on a short leash. I have my moments where I like to procrastinate or simply be lazy. One of my favorite parts of being in a relationship—even if I deny it often—is that I have someone to call me out when I let my bad habits get the best of me. However, there are times where I can only take so much and if it gets to the point where I’m constantly being micro-managed, I can’t take it and I want to rebel.

I want someone to Netflix and chill with but I don’t want to watch crappy shows. Sure, I like someone to snark with as we binge watch Orange Is The New Black, but if he wants to turn on Lockdown and I’m not in the mood for more serious prison drama, I want to be able to bow out. I get there has to be compromise and most of the time I’m all for it, but sometimes I just want to watch my girly shows and not feel like he’ll get bored and vice versa.

I want to bring someone around my couple friends but I like being single with my single friends. A lot of my friends are married or at the very least in a serious relationship and I often feel like a third wheel with them unless I’m also with someone. I also have a few friends that tend to remain single and I don’t want them to be the third wheel with me so it’s so much easier to plan things with them when I’m also not attached. I realize that I can have both whether I’m with someone or not but sometimes I think it’s less awkward when I’m single.

I enjoy being with lots of family around the holidays but I don’t like having to decide which to see. I’ve always been big on family so when I’m dating someone, I love immersing myself in my new guys family. I love learning about him through them and seeing where he comes from and I love introducing him to my people as well. When the holidays roll around, sometimes activities overlap and it’s hard having to decide between which family to visit and when. It can be dealt with, of course, but I’d really rather not.

I like knowing someone worries about where I am but sometimes I want to be impulsive. I know some people think it’s smothering, but most of the time, I like when my guy is always concerned about whether I’m safe or not—that is, until I decide that I don’t want to come straight home after work, I want to grab a drink with some friends. I can do that in a relationship, but I have to be mindful of my partner and his feelings too. Some days I just want to be able to do what I please without question.

I want help with the day to day chores but I also want to do everything my way. It’s great knowing that I’m not the only one taking out the garbage or doing the laundry, but I have very specific ways of doing things that they sometimes border on OCD. I know I can be rigid and I can’t always have things my way if I’m in a serious relationship, but it’s really tough to deal with sometimes.

I need the comfort and security but I also need the stomach flip of something new and exciting. Half the fun is in the chase, or so I hear. I struggle with the ‘up in the air’ feeling when I don’t have it, and then when I do feel stable, I miss the desire and the uncertainty. It seems to me that there’s no happy medium—I’m constantly wanting the opposite of what I have. I’ve yet to find a comfortable balance and that’s something I’ve carried from relationship to relationship.

I like having a partner but I also like having my own identity. It’s so easy for me to lose myself in the world of another person. “I” becomes “we” so effortlessly that I almost don’t notice it until we’re too far in. I let myself go and don’t speak up for my own individual needs. Sure, I love the idea of having a person that constantly has my back and supports me, but I don’t think everything should be common ground. There should be opposing views sometimes. Instead of always seeing things eye to eye, I like to keep some of my own opinions and he should keep his, even if they’re polar opposites. It seems when I’m in a relationship, I can’t always find that middle ground.

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