If You Want To Have Sex Before Dating Me, Go Away

I’ve had plenty of guys claim that we should have sex before we date to see if we’re compatible or just to “live in the moment” and I’ve always had the same response: Oh, GTFO. That’s not going to work with me and quite frankly, I’m tired of guys who want to take me back to their place instead of investing in a real connection.

  1. I need more than the physical. It’s really easy to find sex these days and dating apps are proof of this. But that gets old really quickly. I need a mental and emotional connection before we even think about taking things to the bedroom.
  2. I’m not a one-night stand kind of girl. I don’t get the hype about flings and one-night stands, and how gorgeous you are isn’t going to change that. I know you probably have loads of women falling over you, but guess what? I’m not one of them.
  3. Don’t tell me you want to check for sexual compatibility. I know sex is important in relationships and I want a partner I’m sexually compatible with, but that doesn’t mean we should have sex before we even date. That’s romance in reverse. It might be exciting, like having dessert before dinner, but it’s often much less satisfying.
  4. I need to see you’ve invested in me. I want proof that you’re invested in dating me and you see us going somewhere — to a relationship, not the bedroom. I will only sleep with a guy who’s actually looking for something serious, not just messing with me.
  5. Don’t think you can fool me with your grand gestures. If you come on too strongly in the beginning with loads of charm and talk of amazing getaways, instead of thinking you’re interested in a relationship, I’m going to know that you’re hoping flattery will get you all the way into my pants. It won’t.
  6. I crave the slow burn. Sex right away can be exciting, but what’s so much more intoxicating is building up to the sex instead of rushing in. I want to enjoy kissing you and touching you, slowly making our way to sex. It’s the slow burn or nothing.
  7. You’re a scared man and I’m done with those. If you’re looking to jump into bed early on, then you could be nothing more than a commitment-phobe or you’re worried that I’ll become clingy if we date seriously. I’m so tired of dealing with such men. You either man up and date me properly with all the strings attached or GTFO of my life.
  8. I don’t want to ruin the relationship. If we have a strong connection that you want to take to the bedroom, I’m worried it will ruin our chance of dating seriously. I mean, why buy the relationship when you can get the sex for free, right? I’m so much more than a piece of ass, though.
  9. I want sex to mean something. It might sound old-fashioned, but I want sex to have meaning. It should be part of something greater in order to be amazing. It should be something we do to strengthen our bond, not try to create one. That won’t work.
  10. I want mystery. There’s something very intriguing about meeting someone and not knowing what they look like naked after the first date. It keeps the mystery going. It gives me something to look forward to by building sweet anticipation. The road to sex is a marathon, not a sprint, so leave me alone if you’re only looking for a quick jog. 
  11. I don’t want to regret it later. If you want to jump into sex with me, I’m under no illusion that something real is going to come of it. I don’t want to have sex and then wonder if you’re going to call me the next day or if you’re just going to ghost me. That’s crap. I won’t put myself in that situation.
  12. I want to be romanced. I love the idea of a guy courting me and romancing me. It’s not just about lust or attraction – romance has an emotional element to it. It also shows that you’re willing to make an actual effort instead of using sex as a way to feel me out. That’s what I’m after.
  13. I can smell your lame attempt from a mile away. You might think that to get me into bed you should pretend to be into something more serious. But, if you’re dripping with charm and not honest about your intentions, I’ll see right through your lame attempt at romance. I don’t want to play games where sex is sadly one of the most used tactics.
  14. I don’t want the awkwardness. Sex before dating is just weird. I don’t want to worry about how we’ll relate afterward or what I should do the next morning — should I stay or leave in a hurry?. I want to know someone enough and connect with them properly so that sex can be an exciting thing that doesn’t become awkward AF.
  15. Don’t test me. If you want to have sex before we date then you’re basically saying that you want to test if we work or if I’m good enough for you. That’s messed up. In a committed relationship, sex doesn’t have to be perfect. It can be worked on when both parties love each other. Without that, it’s just a purely physical thing, a means for your own pleasure. I’m not into that, so go find your kicks elsewhere.
  16. I want to know you really want it. I won’t waste my time on someone who expects sex to be on the table. I want you to work for it and value it as much as I do but value dating me much more. Without that, adios.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.