If You Want To Sleep With Me, You’ll Have To Do These Things First

It takes more than a hot body and a man bun to hold my attention. If a guy opens his mouth and spews a stream of idiotic, ignorant malarkey – no matter how good looking he is – my body will no longer be interested in sex. It’ll just shut down and the attraction will be gone. So if you want to sleep with me, you’re going to have to prove that you’re not a stupid garbage person by doing the following things:

  1. Get to know me. Ask me questions. Be interested in what makes me tick. Inquire about my childhood. Ask about my career goals. Show me that you see me as a complete person , and more than just a body you want to play with for one night.
  2. Put in some actual effort. Dating is a two-way street. I’m not expecting to be wooed without doing a little wooing myself, but I better not be the only one putting in effort. Text me and make me laugh. Tell me that you’re thinking about me. Remind me of how much fun a new romance can be.
  3. Remember things I’ve shared with you. Anyone can nod their head and pretend to listen, but you’re going to have to prove that you heard me. If I shared parts of my life with you, it means I’m beginning to trust you. Don’t make me regret that. Actually show me that you remember things that I’ve said. And I’ll do the same for you.
  4. Make me feel desired. There are few things sexier than having someone look at you like you’re the most beautiful person on the planet. If you’re attracted to me, make it known. Make be feel as beautiful as I know I am.
  5. Take me on a date. Don’t get it twisted: I’m not expecting a fancy dinner as some sort of pre-sex transaction, but I do expect to go out with you and have fun with you before we hit the sack. I want to know what you’re like out in the world, and how you are on a date. It’ll help me decide if you’re actually worth my time.
  6. Treat people in the service industry with respect. A date is also a way to show me how you treat others, which will be a deal breaker if you’re a jerk. How you treat everyone in the service industry will tell me how you’ll eventually treat me if we end up dating. And I can’t be physically attracted to you – even for a one-night stand – if you’re a jerk.
  7. Have a Netflix date with no “chill.” Sex is an extremely intimate act, so before we do that, I want us to see each other in a comfortable state. Come over and binge-watch something with me on Netflix – without expecting a hookup at the end of the night. I want to see you relaxed and happy, and also how you treat me behind closed doors. If that goes well, it’ll bring us one step closer to the bedroom.
  8. Show me that we have at least one favorite show in common. This might seem a little too high maintenance, but I can’t sleep with someone who doesn’t like a show that I love. TV is important to me, and a person’s favorite shows say a lot about who they are. If  you tell me you hate The Office or Game of Thrones… no.
  9. Use proper grammar. I don’t care how modern technology is dumbing us down, or how rarely you write things in your day job – you should understand the difference between “your” and “you’re.” If you don’t, I can no longer see you as a potential sex partner. It just, it hurts my brain.
  10. Don’t talk crap about your friends or family. If you talk crap about the most important people in your life, I have no doubt you’ll do the same to me. Everyone has flaws, and we’re all just trying to do our best. Plus, the person who talks crap about people is always the least perfect person in the group so….
  11. Snuggle with my dog. My dog (much like me) doesn’t like meeting new people. He’s goes in sour and will need to be sweetened in order to bond with him. So in addition to making an effort with me, you’ll need to win over my awkward furry child.

And just to be clear, even if you do everything listed above, I still might not sleep with you. That’s because I don’t owe you sex for anything, let alone just being a decent human being. This will just improve your chances of scoring with me.

is a freelance writer for Bustle and Petcha, and editor for Wise Bread. She suffers from separation anxiety, and can't bear to be away from her dog for more than 20 minutes. Her dog doesn't seem to care either way. Sweater season is her favorite season.