Wanting To Know Where You Stand With Someone Isn’t “Clingy” Or “Crazy”—It’s Smart

Aren’t you sick and tired of being called names like “crazy,” “psycho,” or “clingy” when you just want to know where you stand with a guy? Here’s why you shouldn’t let that manipulative crap stop you from finding out the truth.

  1. It’s your right. You’re in the situation with the guy, so you have every right to know what’s going on. Even if your question comes out wrong or you feel it’s embarrassing, it doesn’t matter. You still deserve to know the answer.
  2. It only scares away the losers. Only a guy who’s not worth your time will get freaked out when you ask him where the relationship is going. The right guy who values you and deserves your feelings will be happy you’re bringing it up so you can both be on the same page!
  3. Don’t go with the flow. You can choose to suck up your questions and just “go with the flow” to see what happens with the guy, but what’s the point? If you really need to find out where he’s at and you don’t want to waste your time flowing down the river like a dead fish, you should speak up!
  4. His silence isn’t always an answer. Sure, by not asking him where you stand and seeing what he does, you might already have your answer: he’s not that into you. But this isn’t always the case. The guy might be as confused about how to talk about your relationship as you are. The only way to know is to speak up about it.
  5. You get to figure things out. By speaking up and talking to him, you get to see what you both really want from the relationship—and if it even is a relationship! You might find out that you’ve been thinking you were on the path to a relationship, meanwhile the guy was just “hanging out.” Ugh.
  6. You shouldn’t go along with what he wants. If you sit back and let him determine where you go, you’re censoring your needs and wants. That’s BS. You have every right to grab the steering wheel from him and ask him where he really wants to go. You’re not living your life in the backseat.
  7. If he can’t meet you halfway, it’s his loss. You can tell a lot about a guy by asking him where the relationship is going. If he acts weird or shady, he’s clearly not comfortable with a real, adult relationship (goodbye, thanks for playing!). If, on the other hand, he’s open and honest and seems to want the same thing you do, you’re dealing with a guy who wants to make as much effort as you do. He’s a keeper!
  8. You’re not stealing his show. You might want a chivalrous guy who makes the first move and that’s fine, but he’s already done that. By asking him where you’re headed, you’re not stealing the limelight from him. It’s not like he’s about to propose marriage, for goodness’ sake! You’re just asking a question about the journey you’ve already started. You deserve to know where he’d like it to take you.
  9. Casually dating can trap you. You might tell yourself it’s better to chill out and enjoy the relationship. But “casually dating” has an expiration date of a few weeks. Any longer and you start to wonder if the relationship is becoming stale. Don’t stay there forever!
  10. Labels separate the men from the boys. Are you worried about having “The Talk” with him in case you overwhelm him with relationship labels? He can handle it, so stop stressing. In fact, how he reacts to relationship labels will tell you if he’s worthy of your love or not. You want someone who embraces them, not some commitment-phobe who acts like a man-child by saying “I don’t believe in labels.” Ugh.
  11. Words matter. You might say actions speak louder than words and they do, but words are sometimes also important. You deserve to hear the guy you’re dating say that he wants to take things forward, that he sees a bright future with you. If he’s doing the actions and making the gestures but not saying the words, things aren’t matching up.
  12. It’s about clarity, not clinginess. You might think by asking him where the relationship’s going or what he really feels about you, you’re trying to nudge him in the direction you want. But that’s bullshit. You’re not being clingy or “too much”—you’re just asking a question to gain some clarity. So what?
  13. It’s not only about him. Yes, you care about what he says and you hope that he’ll want to take things further with you, but it’s not just about him. Figuring out your feelings before you ask him about his can be a valuable thing. It shows you what you really think about this guy and if you want a future with him. Who knows? When you dig deeper into your feelings, you might find that you actually don’t, in which case you just dodged a bullet.
  14. Your fear matters more than the question. The question shouldn’t be a big deal, but if you’re so afraid of what he’ll think of you for asking or what he’ll say, then maybe what’s really going on is that you already know the answer—and it’s not a good one. If you feel in your gut that he’s not keen on taking your relationship forward, asking is pointless and you shouldn’t waste your time. At least you know. The worst thing is uncertainty.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.