No one wants to feel like they’re just giving their time and energy up for nothing, and we all know the consequences of not defining what you’re doing with a guy can easily lead to another dreaded dead-end situationship. Is it worth pushing the topic just to feel secure or are you risking upsetting what could naturally be a healthy balance? Here are 7 reasons why a title isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be.
- Nothing forced is good. I recently learned about the art of detachment, a.k.a. learning to let things come and go freely from our lives. If a guy wants to be with me, he will stay whether I try to control his continued presence or not. Celebrity relationships constantly reinforce that no amount of fame, talent, money, or looks can keep a man or keep him from doing what he wants to do (like cheat). Putting pressure on a guy to name what you two are doing just doesn’t work or guarantee security.
- Being official means you have to break up. It’s easy to confuse dating exclusively with a whole defined commitment. You can agree to get to know one person without others being a distraction but you’re still on testing ground for a while. According to Insider, a relationship expert said the discussion of being official could take at least two months. If you require someone to be your boyfriend before you are open to learning more about one another and spending more time together, you may be jumping the commitment gun too early. You should scope the scene as much as you can before agreeing to something you’re not informed enough on. If you slap a title on what you’re doing too soon and find out after the fact that it’s not the best match, the only way out is through a break up- which, even if things were new-ish, is still hard to go through.
- It doesn’t even change anything. Unfortunately, other than crossing off that checklist box in your mind, if a connection with someone isn’t solid, things will pretty much be the same after you agree to be his girl. He may or may not be nicer for a few days and from then on he might not even acknowledge the agreement. You could really possibly be in a whole relationship with someone and not even actually be sure if you two are together. And it’s literally as confusing and unsettling as it sounds. It’s better to have someone who is all in without question but doesn’t explicitly say so than someone who says yea just to end the conversation about it but continues to act like a free agent.
- It freaks some guys out. A guy might actually want you to be his girlfriend, but saying so out loud is just too much for him. Some dudes take commitment seriously and actually do want something that lasts. In their mind, agreeing to be official is a declaration that they’re really in it for the long haul- similar to a pre-engagement in a way. He may really like you and want that dynamic from you, but at the same time want to feel like he’s being responsible and doing things the right way. Rushing the timeline before it feels like he prepared himself can overwhelm him and distract him from remembering that he was interested in the first place. It can throw the whole thing off when you were previously on track without issue. Don’t create a problem that wasn’t there by being impatient.
- It can be anti-climactic. Wanting someone you like to be your boyfriend can be really preoccupying. You spend so much time worrying that without a title you’ve basically already lost him. But really, taking that next step isn’t always all that exciting. You may get one burst of momentum by changing your status on Facebook and having your friends cheer you on for a day, but after that, you’re stuck with just a regular relationship. Throw any misconception your favorite Hallmark movie put in your mind out the window because relating to anyone- whether it be friend, family, coworker, or your boo- can be challenging and take continuous intent and work to manage. Don’t just expect to sail off in seamless honeymoon bliss and never face a cloudy day on the horizon again.
- The subject can create tension. Once you start making the expectation of a title known, a power struggle between the two of you can ensue. He can feel emasculated by the fact that you took the lead and didn’t allow him to initiate the idea of taking it to the next level. Now it turns more into when he’s going to do what you want versus when he was going to advance both of your statuses himself. If you want it to be genuine, you have to give him a chance to feel like it was his idea from the beginning and that he is still wearing the pants.
- It can just make things weird. Not sure why the title itself is so distracting, but it really can be! It just raises all these extra thoughts like, do you have to buy him presents now for holidays, or join his family gatherings? Do you celebrate anniversaries monthly for the first year or just yearly or at all? Is there this imaginary timer now for how long it’s acceptable to date until you have to discuss advancing even further or is this a destination in itself? Sometimes it’s easier to just be in the moment and enjoy what is rather than attach something potentially stress-inducing to it.
