Narcissists pretend to care about you and your feelings to maintain the image they try to display to the world. They’re kings or queens of deception, which can make it difficult to spot their underhanded tactics. However, don’t be fooled into thinking they genuinely care about you or want the best for you. Here are 15 ways a narcissist tries to seem like they give a damn — and how to see through it right away.
1. They overwhelm you with flattery.
They might give you loads of flattering comments and compliments, which feel meaningful because they pretend to be making a real connection with you. In reality, this is part of their love-bombing tactics. Keep an ear out for compliments that are excessive and dripping with praise when they barely even know you.
2. They acknowledge your feelings.
When you first meet a narcissist, you might think they’re the perfect partner because they seem to really “get” your feelings. The truth, however, is that their empathy is all an act. This becomes clear when they don’t bother to offer support in a meaningful way. They’re all talk, basically.
3. They’re passionate about things you’re passionate about.
It’s exhilarating when you find someone who seems genuinely fascinated by your passions, whether it’s cats or “Star Wars.” Sadly, with a narcissist, that initial enthusiasm can be deceptive. They might feign interest in you as a way to manipulate and control. Notice how once the conversation shifts away from topics they care about, they quickly zone out or slyly try to steer things back to themselves.
4. They check in to make sure you’re okay.
When they know you’re having a rough day, they’ll check in and show what appears to be real concern for you. Wrong! Their emotional check-ins are really about controlling or monitoring you. Ditto for when they tell you what to do and claim it’s for your own good. It never is!
5. They come off as a giver.
Someone with narcissistic tendencies will come off as a giving person who expects nothing in return. They’ll drive to help you when your car’s in the garage or listen to you when you’re stressed. However, the catch is that their help comes with strings attached. They’ll expect you to go the extra mile and meet all their needs as if you’re indebted to them.
6. They treat you like gold in public.
Around your friends and family, your partner will dote on you, being super loving and caring. Sadly, it’s all an act to make it seem like they’re the best partner in the world. The truth is, they only care about their image. Behind closed doors, they’re not quite so attentive.
7. They’re big on romantic gestures.
Narcissists excel at extravagant, sweeping gestures – surprise chore binges, decadent breakfasts in bed… It’s a calculated act designed to win you over. But beware, the charm is short-lived. Don’t be surprised when their initial enthusiasm for the mundane, everyday acts of love fizzles out.
8. They allow themselves to be vulnerable with you.
Narcissists might initially seem emotionally in-tune with you, sharing their vulnerabilities and inviting you into their inner world. Don’t be fooled! This orchestrated vulnerability is a tactic designed to exploit your empathy and gain your attention. Their “openness” often centers around a victim mentality that’s ultimately meant to keep you hooked.
9. They blow up about people who wrong you.
While it might feel heartwarming to see someone fiercely defend you or get choked up by your struggles, with a narcissist, these reactions are often a performance. They thrive on drama and can easily manufacture tearful outbursts or exaggerated anger. Don’t mistake this theatrics for genuine empathy – it’s a manipulative tactic to win your favor and control the narrative.
10. They make (false) promises.
Narcissists are experts at painting rosy pictures of a future together – grand promises about marriage, exotic trips, or introducing you to their inner circle. While these fantasies feel flattering, they’re often a calculated tactic. They dangle these dreams to distract you from their current toxic behavior or to keep you invested in the relationship.
11. They mirror you.
Narcissists might pretend to love everything you love and match you on your values, beliefs, and thoughts. This is known as mirroring. While it makes you think you’re forming a connection with them, it’s their fake way of making you feel special. When that happens, you let your guard down and they get more control over you.
12. They idealize you.
Narcissists usually make you feel appreciated by hanging on your every word and telling you how special you are. This is known as the idealization phase, and it’s followed by the devaluation phase, in which they criticize and break you down. Yikes.
13. They’re quick to apologize.
A seemingly sincere apology from a narcissist can be disarming. It might feel like a breakthrough moment, a sign of their ability to acknowledge fault. However, these apologies are often a tool for manipulation. Their goal is to disarm you and gain forgiveness, not genuinely make amends. Learning to recognize the signs of a hollow apology is crucial for protecting yourself.
14. They love your best friends.
Triangulation is when a narcissist pulls another person into the situation as a way to outshine you. They’ll be super charming and personable with your closest pals, making you think they really love you and are invested in your life, but it’s all an act to get closer to them so you feel jealous or isolated.
15. They shower you with gifts.
A narcissist will seem so thoughtful and caring when they surprise you with a beautiful gift they know is meaningful for you. However, this can form part of their love-bombing strategy to fool you into believing that they care. The gift might be real, but the intention behind it is fake!
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