No one has this dating thing figured out, but it sucks when you all you seem to do is attract jerks, playboys, and all the wrong types of guys. The ones that don’t have a single faithful bone in their bodies, the ones that are never ready to commit, the ones that play games with your heart and head. However, the good guys are not a myth and believe it or not, there are ways you can actually attract one and stop wasting your time with all the rest. But first, you have to understand why it keeps happening in the first place.
Why you keep attracting the wrong guys
- You’re not hanging out in the right places. If you want an intellectual, quiet, thoughtful dude, you obviously won’t meet him in a frat bar. You have to put yourself in the right arenas to meet men who have stuff in common with you. Think about what you’re looking for and go out and find it.
- You’re a hermit. It’s a plain and simple fact — being antisocial won’t bring a guy into your life. How can he meet you if you’re always hiding from him? You can’t find love from the comfort of your seclusion. Even if you meet someone online, you have to see him face-to-face eventually.
- You don’t have a big enough social circle. All your friends are coupled up, and they don’t have many single friends either. It’d be nice to meet someone through your social network because they’re more likely trustworthy and interesting. If your friends can vouch for someone, at least you know he’s not a total douchebag. This gets way harder when you simply don’t hang with that many people who can hook you up.
- You aren’t meeting guys who share your interests. You’re a wilderness junkie who lives in the city. You love museums and shows, but you only meet women and gay men when you go. You hate bros, but you work in a sports bar. Maybe it’s time to adjust your life so that you allow space for the right guy to walk into it. You shouldn’t be living or working somewhere that doesn’t vibe with your soul anyway.
- You spend too much time at work. Yeah, you have something in common with the guys there, but you refuse to date at work. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen. Since you aren’t going to find a partner there, it sucks if that’s where you spend all your time. If you have a life-consuming, super intense job, you don’t have a lot of free time to meet potential boyfriends.
- You spend too much time at home. Again, can’t meet a man if you’re always lying around on your couch with your cat and a book. Vegging out in front of the television gets you nowhere! Sorry to break it to you, but meeting a great guy will take a bit more effort than that. You don’t have to spend every night at the club (and you probably shouldn’t), but at least try a little bit.
- You’re just not being yourself. It’s impossible to find the right man for you if you aren’t showing your true colors. You can pretend to be someone else, but what’s the point of that? Eventually you’ll get tired of faking it, and he won’t be the dude who matches the true you anyway. Stop wasting your energy. Just accept and love yourself, and know that the right man will as well.
- You’re not engaged in stuff you really care about. Are you spending time doing what you want to be doing? Don’t regret living your life half-assed. Get out there and do what you want to do. Make sure you love your existence. If you’re doing what you love, you will meet other like-minded people… and some of those people will be men.
- You have girly hobbies. It sucks, but it’s true. If you’re spending all your time at yoga and ceramics studios, you are simply less likely to meet eligible straight men. This doesn’t mean that you should change what you like to do. You just need to accept that these are not the venues where you will find your soulmate and make sure you have some other activities up your sleeve.
- You’re super shy. Sure, the right guy will understand that aspect of you and love you for it. Still, it’s difficult to meet him in the first place if you won’t give him the time of day. If you want to meet the right guy, you have to be receptive even if you refuse to be the aggressor. Give the poor dude a break. He can only do so much.
- You’re insecure and it shows. If you don’t believe that you deserve the guy you want, you’ll never have him. Why would he think you’re the right girl when you don’t even know it? You have to come from a place of quiet inner strength and self-confidence. This doesn’t mean that you’re shouting from the rafters how great you are. It just means that you know you should have a wonderful man in your life.
- You don’t know how to talk to guys. Even if you meet the right guy, how will you keep his interest if you sit there mute? You have to have the guts to be genuine and vulnerable, and know that if he doesn’t appreciate it, he’s not the right one. You’ll know the right guy when he’s in front of you because he’ll respond very differently to your transparency.
- You’re not comfortable. You aren’t comfortable being yourself with him or accepting him for who he is. Your awkwardness is glaringly apparent when you’re meeting someone who makes you feel jittery. It’s nerve-racking, yes, meeting an awesome dude who you are really into, but you don’t attract the guys you want in the first place by being uncomfortable in your skin.
- You don’t know what you really want. Welp, you’re screwed. Honestly, you aren’t going to magically recognize it when it comes along. You may very well be letting great guys pass you by because you don’t know what you’re looking for. This is a problem! First things first — know what you want in order to find it.
- You’re scared to go after what you want. Not as hopeless of a problem, but still a big one. You do know what you want, maybe even exactly what you want, but you are afraid of rejection and pain. Unfortunately, that’s always a risk when it comes to love. Hopefully the payoff will be worth it. You’ll never know unless you try.
How to start attracting the right guys
- Choose yourself first. The first step to finding any kind of fulfilling relationship is doing the work on yourself. If you don’t love, respect, value, and treat yourself right, you’re mostly going to keep attracting men who keep the cycle going. You need to become the best version of yourself to find men who are also the best version of themselves. The truth is, we tend to accept the love that we think we are worthy of, so the better you feel about yourself, the better the men you’ll attract.
- Be intentional about what you want. Figure out what you want in a partner and what you will not put up with under any condition and stick to those ideals. Make sure you’re not putting out confusing messages about the kind of guy you’re looking for. When you meet potential partners, be direct and speak your mind. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Embrace your truth instead of trying to work around their ego or saying what you think they want to hear. Stop playing yourself like that and it’ll help you weed out the wrong guys.
- Revisit your dating parameters. My friends used to say that my type was men I knew were going to ruin my life. It was a funny joke, but it was also true and my dating experience didn’t improve until I changed my standards. The reason you haven’t been attracting the right guy might be because he’s not really what you’re looking for. Letting go of superficial preferences like height, beards, or the hardness of his abs in favor of qualities like kindness, empathy, and respect can help turn your luck around.
- Invest in your life. While you’re holding out for the right guy, you need to ensure that you’ve got a lot going for you in your life. Do you have a job? Are you financially independent? Are you happy on your own? The right men want to date women who are their own people and have well-rounded lives. Being somebody’s whole world might sound cute on paper, but in reality, it is terrifying and unhealthy and no one wants that. There are so many experiences to fill your life with beyond relationships, so try living your best one solo.
- Be fully yourself. I know I’ve been guilty of pretending to be something I wasn’t just so some guy would be interested in me. It’s totally not worth it because if he is the right guy for you, you wouldn’t have to change to earn his affection. The right guys will like you for who you are when they see you being authentically yourself. You shouldn’t ever try to downplay how smart, funny, or outgoing you are for the sake of a man.
- Stop obsessing over finding true love. Nothing is more pathetic than someone who is clearly desperate to find and hang on to love. Yes, being single sucks sometimes, but it’s not a terrible thing. You’re not only going to exhaust yourself by pouring all your time and energy into finding the right guy, but you’re also going to end up chasing good guys away because they can sense the desperation.
- Trust the process. Playing it cool when you meet a nice guy that you really like will save you a lot of trouble. Don’t be in a hurry to take things to the next step that you end up missing out on a good thing. Relax and get to know him better. Enjoy the natural pace of things and just allow it to happen.
- Confidence is everything. Know your worth and believe in it. Carry yourself with pride and no guy can walk all over you because they’re probably going to be intimidated by your confidence. Don’t shrink yourself or speak negatively about your achievements. The right guys will be drawn to you because confidence is sexy.
- Build friendships. If you focus on building a strong support system and surrounding yourself with love, you might end up attracting the right guys without even knowing it. Meeting people who share the same common interests and establishing close friendships with them will help expand your social circle and options. Friends will love you and give you great advice and be there for you even after you find the right guy.
- Pay attention to your appearance. I’m not saying be overly vain, but dressing in an appealing and smart way will help the right guys take notice of you. Wear what makes you look and feel good. You don’t have to buy designer clothes to attract the right men as long as you’re dressed to impress.
- Put yourself out there. The right guys are not going to fall into your lap, you need to go out and socialize to meet them. If you’re going to use dating apps, stick to the professional ones and avoid platforms like Tinder because you’re only going to find guys that are only looking for a good time. Be outgoing, switch up the places where you hang out, so you can attract more quality men