Many breakups are messy, and there’s a mourning period where you’re allowed a bit of crazy. However, if it’s been a while and you still find yourself acting out and being a little… intense, chances are, your ex is no longer crying over you, they’re side-eyeing you. Here are some of the behaviors to avoid, both for your own sanity and to make them regret letting you go (or at least not feel grateful they did).
1. Staging the “accidental” run-in
Showing up at their favorite coffee spot “totally by chance”? Yeah, okay. Everyone sees through it. This desperation screams “I have no life outside of you,” which is not the message you want to be sending, however hard it is to avoid familiar spots at first. Sure, you shouldn’t have to give up your favorite Mexican place because your ex still loves their quesadillas, but maybe order delivery for a while.
2. Drunk dialing/texting
Liquor-fueled declarations of love? Morose 3 a.m. “I miss you” voicemails? Eek! They’ll forward it to friends for laughs, not magically fall back in love. Delete their number, or even block them if you need to. Drunk you is sabotaging future you’s chances at any semblance of dignity. Draft all the messages you’d like in your phone’s notes section, but for the love of God, don’t send! There are even apps out there that can help you if you lack self-control, Lifewire reveals.
3. Putting on an overly curated social media performance
Suddenly you’re a gym rat with an inspirational quote for each sweaty selfie. Those staged “Look how AMAZING my life is now!” posts reek of trying too hard. Real hotties aren’t bragging non-stop, they’re too busy living well. Sure, go ahead and get that revenge body if that’s what you really want, but do it to change your own life, not to make your ex wish you were back in theirs.
4. Publicly trash-talking them
It seems like righteous anger in the moment, but makes you look obsessed and bitter. Take the high road. If people ask what happened between you, “we grew apart” is sufficient and shows a lot of maturity and restraint. Your ex’s bad behavior will eventually speak for itself, so there’s no need to be the town crier about it.
5. Fixating on getting your stuff back ASAP
Needing that hoodie immediately is a bad look. Yes, eventually, logistics need handling, but the frenzy makes it seem like those objects are your sole connection to them. Chill. A few weeks won’t change the value of a book you probably won’t even reread.
6. Fishing for info about them from mutual friends
Grilling everyone about whether they have a new partner fuels the obsession, not healing. Make it clear to your pals that you’re not interested in updates. If it’s meant to reach your ex, it just shows you’re not truly over them, the opposite effect you’re going for.
7. Trying too hard to befriend their friends
Doing this in hopes of staying in the loop is transparent and sad. True friendships are organic, not forced. It’s okay to be cordial if you run into them, but desperate clinging makes you the embarrassing anecdote at their next hangout, not the ex they long for. As for legitimate mutual friends, that’s a whole other complicated matter…
8. The dramatic makeover intended to “shock” them
Suddenly bleaching your hair or getting a whole new wardrobe are less about self-discovery and more about getting their attention. Real glow-ups happen gradually, as you truly heal, not as a rushed performance designed with their reaction in mind.
9. Using vague sad posts and song lyrics to get a reaction out of them
The cryptic quote about heartbreak? They know it’s aimed at them. This passive-aggressive bid for sympathy makes you look immature and harkens back to the days of putting passive-aggressive lyrics in your AOL away message to get the attention of your crush. Instead of wallowing publicly, privately journal your feelings. It’s more cathartic, and spares you the embarrassment factor.
10. Pretending you aren’t affected at all by the breakup
Going out partying the night after a split or bragging about how great you feel aren’t fooling anyone. Putting on this performance of fake happiness is exhausting. Let yourself feel the pain, PsychCentral urges. Ironically, being open about your emotions makes you seem stronger, not weaker.
11. Dating someone who looks exactly like your ex
This sends the message you’re not over them at all, but desperately trying to replace them with a knock-off version. Give yourself time to heal! Jumping into something new before processing the breakup just leads to more pain, and makes you look a tad unhinged to your ex.
12. Publicly announcing your “no contact” journey
Posting about how you’re on day 30 of ignoring them makes them the center of your world. True healing isn’t a performance for social media. If you need to track progress, do it privately. Broadcasting it just shows them they still control your thoughts.
13. Holding out for the grand reconciliation speech
Clinging to hope of some movie-like change of heart sets you up for disappointment. Breakups are usually due to deep incompatibility, not rom-com style misunderstandings. Let go of the fantasy. Maybe, maybe down the road there is potential, but not if you spend months pining.
14. Taking up hobbies you know your ex is into, despite having zero previous interest
Suddenly, you’re all about yoga/craft beer/vegan cooking? It’s not fooling anyone, especially not the person who knows the real you. Focus on authentic self-discovery, not mimicking them in hopes they’ll notice and magically want you back.
15. Making big, impulsive life decisions based on the breakup
Quitting your job or moving to another city can definitely be healthy choices, but done immediately post-split? It’s fueled by pain, not sound thinking. Give yourself time to grieve, then see what you truly want, rather than following your knee-jerk reaction to shake up your life.
16. Bombarding their family with texts or calls
Even if you were close, this is a boundary violation after a breakup. Hoping they’ll convince your ex to take you back is cringe-inducing. Respect their family’s need to separate from the drama, and it actually makes you look less desperate long-term.
17. Clinging to their belongings as some sort of weird shrine
Sleeping in their old t-shirt isn’t romantic, it’s hindering the moving-on process. Ceremoniously boxing stuff up is healthier. Donation? Even better! It symbolizes shedding the past, the version of yourself so tangled up with them. THAT is what maybe, someday, makes them regret what they lost.
18. Looking for love? Think it into existence.
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