I Went On The Worst Date Ever And I Swear I Just Can’t Anymore

Once again, I got my hopes up about a guy who seemed perfectly nice and normal on the internet and turned out to be a hot mess in person. Online dating sucks because you really can’t read a person at all, and this turned out to be one of the worst dates I’ve ever been on. I’m so over it.

He dressed ridiculously.

Online, he was some rugged outdoorsy mountain man. I was excited about that, but then he showed up to the date in acid-washed skinny jeans and a super tight long t-shirt weirdly splashed with rainbow splatters. He’s in his mid-thirties, and that’s a big no in my book. I wasn’t into it at all—he looked like a 1980s nightmare.

He was smoking weed when I showed up.

Yeah, I know it’s legal here in California and all, but did he really have to smoke right outside the bar where we were meeting when he knew I was about to be there? Could he not handle a date without toking first? Come on. I wanted to know what he was like sober, for crying out loud.

I had to drive him to a new spot.

I wanted to give him credit for picking the place, but it was a divey sports bar and he forgot there was a big game on. I ended up having to drive us both to a new location because he took an Uber over since he’d “gotten rid of” his car. It was kind of awkward. I just met the guy and he was in my passenger seat.

He had no filter and I really wish he did.

 It was really quite remarkable. He just said whatever came into his head, no matter how bad it made him look. Among other things, he told me that he’s irresponsible, impulsive, and loves to gamble. It was morbidly fascinating to see what would come out of his mouth next. I could hardly believe it.

He was super immature for his age.

I should’ve guessed this would be the case—he was way too attractive to be so earnest. I thought that his being divorced meant he was a bit more mature, but it meant nothing at all. He revealed himself pretty much immediately to be a big kid, and not in a good way. He just sounded like an idiot most of the time.

He argued with me in favor of an abusive man.

To be fair, that abusive man was famous and deceased author Charles Bukowski. I don’t care, though—if I say that a man’s portrayal and treatment of women makes me feel upset and uncomfortable and a guy follows up with, “Well, you have to understand…” followed by some long-winded justification, uh, no. He has to understand that this isn’t going to work.

He told me that he cheated on his last girlfriend.

No joke! This guy goes, “Have you ever cheated on anyone?” When I said no, he followed up with, “I cheated on my last girlfriend.” Then he told me that he lived with her and she had three kids! Are you kidding me? What a terrible human being. Why would anyone in his right mind volunteer that information?

He was chauvinistic and misogynistic.

I didn’t want to assume that because he was from the South that he’d behave a certain way, but he definitely confirmed every stereotype ever. He even went so far as to tell me that if he ran a company, all his salespeople would be hot women because sex sells. I’m about as feminist as they come so that obviously didn’t go over well.

He knew he was good-looking and complained about getting harassed.

I almost can’t believe all the ridiculous stuff he said. He not only complained about getting harassed by women because of his looks but brought it up on multiple occasions. OK, buddy. You aren’t that hot. Calm down. I don’t feel bad for you.

He tried to convince me that I don’t want what I think I do.

This guy did my all-time least favorite thing. He argued with me about the fact that I don’t want kids. I put that crap in my dating profile for a reason: because I want to weed out the guys who do. How dumb do you have to be not to understand that? Just go away!

He made ridiculous generalizations about people that were borderline offensive.

I mean, probably more than borderline. Among other things, he stated that all—I repeat, all— homeless people are mentally handicapped and have substance abuse problems. He also racially profiled the way people date in LA. Any kind of profiling is not cool in my world.

He freely admitted that he’s basically a hot mess.

The sad thing is that he had no idea that he’s a disaster, even while he was telling me all the qualities that made him one. I could’ve put up with some of it, but all of it together added up to way too much trouble. No thanks, bro. I have enough to deal with in my own life without taking on a project.

He was nothing like he seemed online.

It makes me really upset that he presented himself totally differently while we were messaging because I actually got excited. He seemed thoughtful and interesting and I thought we had a ton in common. We did have some things in common, but it was nothing like I thought it would be. I ended up feeling let down and bummed out and never wanting to date again.

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