What Actually Counts As Verbal Abuse? 13 Things Your Partner Should Never Say

If your partner’s been saying things to you that just seem out of line, you might have tried to rationalize them by claiming he had a bad day or you’ve taken it the wrong way. But are you sure you’re not the target of verbal abuse? This type of abuse can be insidious because it usually starts out subtle. It doesn’t help that abusers can be charming. You might not even realize you’re being abused, but its effects are damaging. Here are 13 things your partner might say if they’re an abuser.

1. He calls you an idiot (or engages in other name-calling). There’s never a good reason or excuse for name-calling. Whether he calls you an idiot, a loser, a bitch, or something else, it’s not cool. Whether these words come up during arguments or in regular conversation, they’re a sign of a toxic relationship. Your partner might even use name-calling to blame you for things, such as by saying, “You’re such an idiot – you always cause me to yell at you!” or “No wonder your friends call you a jerk.”
2. He makes you the butt of his jokes. Your partner might say things like, “You’re so stupid, but that’s why I love you,” or “You’re always complaining, like some sad person.” He makes it seem like he’s just joking, but if the words are hurtful don’t disregard them. He’s doing this to try to hurt you in a way that makes it hard to detect his belittling.
3. He criticizes you. He might tell you that you don’t use your head, which is why you failed to make reservations at his favorite restaurant, or that you’re always unpunctual and leave him waiting, but he might even use your positive traits against you. For example, he might say, “You’re such a big dreamer” in a sarcastic way, as a means of trying to devalue your ambitions or goals.
4. He accuses you of things. One of the most frustrating things about dealing with a partner who verbally abuses you is that you’ll always feel guilty for things you didn’t do. You might not have left the window open which led to mosquitos flying inside the house and being a nuisance, but he’ll accuse you of doing so. Similarly, he might accuse you of cheating when you’re late from work, even though that’s the last thing you’d do.
5. He calls you sensitive. Or, he might say you’re dramatic/boring/unreasonable when you try to talk to him about something serious. This is his way of cutting you down so that you feel isolated and can’t express your feelings. It’s also conveniently a way in which he can steer clear of difficult conversations, like if you’re confronting him about something he did. By making you out to be in the wrong, he can float away from the chat – and leave you with the drama.
6. He makes threats. Your partner might say, “If you don’t get back home early from your night out with the girls, I’m going to leave,” or “If you end things, I’ll commit suicide.” The threats can range from doing something to punish you to self-harming himself, but whatever the case threats are a way for your partner to try to manipulate and control you.
7. He makes condescending statements. This is another belittling way of communicating with you. It’s his way of making you feel like you’re worth nothing. He might say something like, “Let me explain this in ways even you will understand” during an argument, or “Why does your hair look so bad? You don’t want to go out in public like that.”
8. He yells. Sometimes it’s not just what he says but how he says it that’s a red flag of verbal abuse. If he starts to scream or yell, that’s abusive because of the fear he’s trying to make you feel. It can be so scary that it causes you to refrain from confronting him about something in the future, which is just what he wants.
9. He tells you it didn’t happen. This is a major sign of verbal abuse. Recently, he was late from work and went out drinking when you needed him. Now when it comes up again he says you’re imagining things because that never happened. WTF? The guy is gaslighting you, making you think you’re losing your mind so you doubt yourself.
10. He says your friends don’t like you. An abuser loves to isolate his victims. He’ll want to remove you from your support system. While he might pretend to have your best interests at heart, in reality, he just wants to hurt you. So, he’ll say something like, “I don’t think your friend/mother/sister values you enough” or “If I were you, I wouldn’t want to hang out with a bestie like that. You can do better.”
11. He makes sexist comments. Does your partner try to attack you because of your gender? He might say, “You’re just like all women – so damn emotional all the time.” This is not on, and it’s hurtful. He might not necessarily use your gender as an insult, but rather your education level, family, religion, or other things. No, no, no!
12. He humiliates you in front of others. Although verbal abuse might only happen in a private setting, you might find that your abuser actually brings you down and humiliates you in public, like around your friends. He might even go onto social media to vent about your recent arguments, which is humiliating in itself.
13. He says “but” a lot. When you’ve cooked him a delicious birthday dinner, he says, “It was delicious, but the cake was a bit dry.” Geez, so much for being grateful. Similarly, when he sees your new hairstyle he says, “It looks cute, but it doesn’t suit you.” It’s these comments that he says lightly which are actually ways to bring you down and make you feel miserable. Why? Because he’s miserable.