The world of dating is different for everyone, but as a plus-sized woman, there are certain experiences we have that average or slender women don’t. It’s hard enough to find someone that accepts you as you are, imperfections and all. It’s harder when you wear your imperfections on the outside for everyone to see and they’re ones that society has demonized. This is what dating is really like for plus-sized women.
Men are embarrassed about dating us.
If you get to the stage where a guy you’ve been talking to has accepted that he likes you and that your body size isn’t an issue for him, he then has to admit to others that he’s dating a fat chick. That can be the tough part. His female friends say he could find someone hotter. His male friends want to know if you’re better in bed than a skinny chick. His parents want to know if you’re going to have a harder time having children or if you’re “healthy.” Not everyone can handle these kinds of questions and the judgment that they may feel coming from their friends and family.
You get fetishized.
On the other end of the scale, there are men who turn dating bigger women into a fetish. They focus on your rolls and curves instead of the person you really are. Some men just want to date a plus-sized woman to add to their experiences. They want to have one more thing to talk about with their friends. It’s nice to be appreciated for who you are rather than in spite of it, but there’s a thin line between appreciation and creepiness.
You find out you’re just a dirty little secret.
You connect with someone on a dating app or in real life. He invites you out and you think it’s sweet that he want to take you to that little hole-in-the-wall restaurant. It must be because he wants you all to himself, right? That’s what you think… until weeks later you realize that he never takes you anywhere trendy where he could run into friends. You only go out late at night, and once you start having sex with him, it’s more often Netflix and chill type of dates. Then you realize you’ve never met any of his friends. Do they even know you exist? When you confront him on it, he makes excuses like, “I like things the way they are,” or “Why do we have to change anything? You’re all I need.” Yup. You’re his dirty little secret. He might even really like you, but he has no intention of sharing you with anyone else because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s dating a plus-sized woman.
Dating apps are hell.
On dating apps, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t – share the fact that you’re fat that is. If you don’t say you’re a plus-sized babe and you just share good (i.e. slimming) face photos, you’ll get lots of responses. But damn, there are a lot of ghosts when you send them a full-body picture! And if you wait until you meet in real life, you get accused of false advertising (eye roll, because Lord forbid your actual qualities would matter more than your physical attributes). Fine. So, you put up a full-body picture and you say right in your profile description, “I’m a big girl. Yes, that means I’m fat.” You’re honest and upfront. You’ll still get responses, but that’s when the fat fetishists come out. They aren’t looking for a relationship but they’ll have sex with you if you promise to do everything they want. Aren’t you lucky? The amount of time it takes to find one genuine person on a dating app could be better spent on a million other things.
You’re known to self-sabotage.
I know I’m not alone when I say that I’ve always been told that because I’m fat, no man will want me. That makes it hard to believe when someone does want to be with you in a non-fetishy, genuine kind of way. You meet a guy, have a good time with him, it’s green flags all the way, and yet you still don’t believe it. Then you find a reason not to be with him or you create a problem so he doesn’t want to be with you and you don’t have to risk getting hurt. It’s easier if he’s a douche bag, right?
Some challenges of dating as a plus-sized woman are all down to jerky, immature guys. Others are our own insecurities. No matter where the challenges come from, it can make finding someone you’re compatible with very hard. However, keep going – there are plenty of guys out there who knows that beauty isn’t one size fits all and who will love you exactly as you are.
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