What Goes On In The Male Mind During No Contact

Cutting ties with your ex is the only way to move on after a breakup, but going no contact is painful and lonely in its own right. Inevitably, you will wonder: “Is my ex missing me as much as I’m missing him?” “How much does he think about me?” “Has he already moved on?” Instead of breaking the no contact rule to seek answers, here is a list of things that may be going on in the male mind during no contact.

  1. He’s angry. Immediately after the breakup, he may feel emotionally charged and defensive. He will embrace no contact because he thinks you will regret it and come crawling back to him. He channels his feelings of vulnerability into anger because it makes him feel stronger. He is not ready to confront his pain and instead blames you for the failure of the relationship.
  2. He’s confused. He doesn’t understand why you have to make things so difficult by cutting off communication. Wouldn’t it solve everything if you could just talk? That way, you could both get everything off your chests and clear the air. He thinks you’re being difficult and considers breaking the no contact rule to tell you this. He may send you an angry text.
  3. He misses you. Eventually, he will tire himself out. No one can sustain anger and contempt for very long, especially when it’s masking pain. Your absence will sink in, and he will be consumed by how much he misses you. During this period, he will be withdrawn and thoughtful. He will notice all the ways you are no longer a part of his daily life.
  4. He wonders what you’re thinking. During this period of introspection, he will start to wonder how you are. He will fear that you are not taking the breakup nearly as hard as he is because if you were, you would have broken the no contact rule already. He convinces himself that you probably never cared about him as much as he cared about you. He questions whether he was ever good enough for you, and imagines you with a much better partner.
  5. He is stubborn. He channels his feelings of rejection into resolution: he will not be the one to break the no contact rule. He convinces himself that you will cave first. His self-doubt turns into defiance. He is tired of having his emotions tied to you. He lies to himself that he has moved on and you are still heartbroken over him. He believes that you will reach out any day. He needs this to be true in order to function.
  6. He thinks you’ll get over it. Over time, his fire will dwindle and he will no longer feel vindictive towards you. Instead, he will be convinced that you will come around and want him back. He no longer thinks of you spitefully. He remembers how you used to apologize when you hurt his feelings, and he imagines how he will take the high road and forgive you for the pain you have caused him.
  7. He regrets the breakup. As days pass without receiving an apology from you, he starts to reflect on things objectively. He sees the role he played in the failures of the relationship and chastises himself. He begins to regret what he did and wishes he could do it all over again to reach a different outcome. He wonders how he could have gotten it all so wrong, and whether you blame him.
  8. He is determined to win you back. His regret turns into purpose. He is ready to reach out and apologize to you for his shortcomings. He imagines what a second chance would look like for your relationship. He thinks you both made a mistake by deciding to break up. He wants to be respectful of the no contact rule, but he is ready to show you that things will be different now.
  9. He thinks you’ve moved on. The longer you go without contacting each other, the more you will question the other person’s state of mind. You will both think that the other has moved on long before they actually have. But believing this is the first step for each of you to finally get over the breakup. Once he finally comes to terms with the fact that he has lost you, he will let go. And once you accept that he has probably moved on, you will, too.
  10. He thinks of you fondly. When you and your ex manage to stick to the no contact rule for at least 30 days, you will probably end up feeling more like old friends than sworn enemies. This isn’t to say that you should rush to each other’s sides the minute the specified time has elapsed, but being able to cycle through all the emotional turbulence of a breakup without hurting each other in the process will allow you to look back fondly on your relationship and each other.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.