What Guys Do When They’re Alone That They Don’t Want Women to Know About

As women, you might think you have a good idea of what guys get up to when you’re not around but you couldn’t be more wrong. Suffice it to say, there’s a lot of stuff we do that we’d prefer you not know about. Not all of it is bad, but on the other hand, there’s not much that’s good. Worst of all, a lot of it is incredibly ugly. Here are just a few of the things we do when we’re on our own.

  1. Walk around naked I wholeheartedly agree that a man’s body is not that enjoyable to look at naked. That’s definitely one of the ways that women are superior to men. But when no one is around to see, we do like to walk around naked and let it all hang out. It just makes us feel free. Plus, nobody is there to judge.
  2. Fart and enjoy the smell I’m sure you’ve all had the displeasure of being in the presence of a man when he farts. I’m sure he excused himself like a gentleman, right? Well, that goes out the door when you’re not around. When we’re alone, we embrace our farts and almost enjoy their terrible stench.
  3. Stalk our exes We’re obviously not going to do this when you’re around unless we’re trying to make you jealous. Still, during our moments of solitude, we will covertly check up on our exes. We’re not proud of it, which is why we do it when no one is around.
  4. Play video games for hours on end Yes, after a certain age it’s a little weird to play video games and get super into it, but there are no rules against it when nobody is around to see. We don’t want you ladies to see that we’re still 12-year-old boys at heart. But that’s kind of the truth, which is why we still play video games without you knowing about it.
  5. Spend way too much time in the bathroom When nobody is around to ask us what’s taking so long, guys like to take their time in the bathroom and not rush things. Honestly, I don’t think you need any additional details.
  6. Eat the laziest, unhealthiest food Some guys eat healthy and sophisticated food around you ladies to give you the impression that we’re adults. But left to our own devices, our food choices get a little weird. Either we binge on fast food or we mix together random things from the cupboard. Let’s just say there are no rules and no recipes.
  7. Burp as loudly as possible If nobody is around to hear it, there’s no sense in stifling a burp. You may think you’ve trained your boyfriend to keep his burps quiet and excuse himself afterward, but that’s all an act.
  8. Watch porn If you were in denial about your boyfriend still watching porn, I’m sorry to inform you that it still happens when you’re not around. We’re not dirty perverts, it’s just a part of our lifestyle. Maybe we miss you and that’s why we’re watching it, ever think of that? It’s not like we’re telling you about it afterward. Just accept that it happens and try not to think about it.
  9. Cry Yes, there are a lot of things that can make a man cry. In fact, a lot more things than you realize. But it’s only under extreme circumstances that we’ll actually cry in front of someone. If we can, we hold out until we’re alone and then let the tears fall.
  10. Sit around with our hands down our pants Okay, this is not what you think. We’re not playing with our ding-a-ling 24/7. It just so happens that sitting on the couch in sweatpants with our hands resting just below our waist is super comfortable. We know it’ll look weird to do it in front of you, but it’s something we enjoy doing when we don’t have to justify it to someone.
  11. Smelling ourselves but refusing to shower If we’re not going anywhere and nobody is around, why bother showering? Of course, that doesn’t stop us from taking a sniff to see how bad we smell. Still, when we’re on our own, we’d have to smell downright awful to actually take a shower.
  12. Experiment with your weird soaps Speaking of hygiene, if we do shower when nobody is around, don’t be surprised if we use whatever soap or body lotion you have sitting around. Odds are, your boyfriend likes the way you smell, which makes him a little curious about the fancy products you use. Yes, it’s a little weird, which is why we don’t tell you about it.
  13. Fix stuff that doesn’t need fixing Idle hands are the devil’s playground, right? If nobody is around, we need to have something to do. This often means looking for things to fix, even if they aren’t broken. To answer your question, no, we’ve never heard the expression: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
  14. Nap This doesn’t require an explanation, right?
  15. Wait for someone to save us from ourselves To quote from the show True Detective,¬†“Past a certain age, a man without a family can be a bad thing.” Most men just aren’t fit to be on their own for long periods of time. Of course, I’m sure you can tell based on most of the items listed above. In a way, the time a man spends alone is spent waiting for someone to save him, not that we want you ladies to know that.
Bryan Zarpentine is a freelance writer and editor whose work can be seen in many forms throughout the Information Superhighway.