What Is A ‘Pick Me Girl’ And What Does It Mean To Be One?

If you’ve never heard of a “pick me girl,” that doesn’t mean you’ve never come across one. In fact, you probably know quite a few. This term isn’t a flattering one, but what exactly does it mean? Here are the traits of a “pick me girl.”

  1. She needs attention. We all need attention, I know that. And it’s not a real criticism. But the fact remains that an individual that loves attention, particularly at a young age will struggle to do anything other than morph into a pick me girl. They will always want to ask a guy to be their boyfriend, they can’t be alone. They’re not inherently bad, but they can be toxic in a very manipulative way. Because they always need attention, they never do anything for the simple fact of doing things, but instead, perform that personality for other people. Most commonly, men.
  2. She’s overly concerned with the male gaze. This brings us neatly to the concept of the male gaze. Now, far be it for me to mansplain that, but hey, might as well preach to the choir. The male gaze is the entire concept of women living their lives under the predication that they need to perform an image of femininity that aligns with social expectations. However, when you get to the point when you’re feeling lost in that swamp of nonsense it can take ages to realize that you’ve lost yourself entirely. Unpack that for a bit, why do you do things? What outcomes are you looking for? What is it, my friends, that you want? Because if you don’t have the answers to those questions I must ask you what you’re doing.
  3. She’s all about PDA with the people she dates. It’s like PDA but more insecure. If you’re one of those pick-me girls that can’t separate themselves from insecurity – particularly when it has impacts on other people – that’s a problem. That’s the thing about pick me girls, they do everything so publicly, including and especially their negative thoughts. Essentially. They will make you feel bad about things you never even thought about. They always go into nursing or teaching as well. Can’t explain it but I know I’m right. They’re never authentic or vulnerable and they don’t learn how to get over rejection, they just pretend. It’s unhealthy.
  4. She’s extremely insecure. Their insecurity does not start and end with them, as it does with lots of other people. In some senses, you should be able to be insecure and talk to your friends about it so you can work through them together. However, on the other hand, if you start to push your feelings on other people and make them feel bad with passive-aggressive rhetoric that you’re pretending you don’t understand the consequences of, that’s another issue. It’s all very veiled and complex and coy.

More about the “pick me girl”

    1. She’s shallow. At its best, this shallowness demonstrates a coy disregard for other people that’s mostly entertaining and gets good Insta pics. At its worst, it’s insidious and retrains your mind to spiral inwards and internalize the blame for everything. They know what they’re doing too, because pick me girls are generally very well educated and emotionally intelligent. But that, my friends, is the breeding ground for manipulation and sinister activity. Yes, I’m being dramatic, but when people regularly say, “Oh, you’re comfortable wearing that? So brave!” to someone that should be their friend, you get what I’m saying.
    2. She’s manipulative. Manipulation has a lot of different appearances and disguises. It’s not all red flags and gaslighting men. The sad thing is that a lot of the time women have all the power in terms of knowing how to negatively affect other women. Sometimes it’s a competition thing but driven by the notion that any madness has to wear a cotton-soft, patronizing face.
    3. She’s not negative but needs growth. Okay, so maybe I’ll wheel in my rage a little bit. Sometimes people are just a little smug. That doesn’t mean that they magically become bad people. Mostly. As long as you treat your pick-me friends with tolerance and patience, that means that you can show them grace and give them the opportunity for growth. You can hope that you receive the same in return, as well as ensure that people who are important to you can demonstrate their worth to you in return.
    4. She’s not nearly as independent as she thinks. This is a very easy motto to keep to yourself when you’re dealing with some ego tricks. Think smugly to yourself that she’s not as mature and accept that she’ll get there eventually. Otherwise, don’t give her the time of day to impact you and compromise how you live yourself. It’s a slippery slope If you do.

How to avoid being a pick me girl

  1. Learn to love yourself. This is probably the easiest way to assure that you don’t become a jealous, attention-seeking, negative person that no one really wants to be around. Learning how to truly love yourself for who you are gives you all the self-assurance you need to live an authentic life free of the need for outside validation.
  2. Don’t live for other people. Your life is your own and it is what you make of it. Unless someone directly impacts how you live your life – they’re your caretaker or boss, for instance – then you owe them nothing. You don’t need to impress them, make them happy, or do anything according to their wishes. Your only responsibility is to yourself. Once you realize this and begin to live according to it, being a pick me girl isn’t even an option anymore.
  3. Choose your friends wisely. You are who you hang out with. If your closest pals are all pick me girls and that’s who you spend your time with, it stands to reason that you’re going to start picking up some of those qualities by osmosis over time. You probably won’t even realize it’s happening, which is even scarier. Make sure your circle is filled with women who are secure in themselves, kind, empathetic, and generally striving to be good people.

Hannah has a Masters degree in Romantic and Victorian literature in Scotland and spends her spare time writing anything from essays to short fiction about the life and times of the frogs in her local pond! She loves musical theatre, football, anything with potatoes, and remains a firm believer that most of the problems in this world can be solved by dancing around the kitchen to ABBA. You can find her on Instagram at @_hannahvic.