To quote my father, I “talk like a drunken sailor.” What this really means is I f*cking love to swear. I don’t know where it comes from (maybe my mom swears like a banshee when she’s alone), but I imagine if I were to keep a tally of the curse words that come out of my mouth on a daily basis, it would be somewhere close to 500 – and that’s on a day when I’m working and not talking much. Hell, I even swore in my wedding vows, because why the f*ck not?
As a woman who swears and loves doing so, I get a lot of crap from people, which I know would absolutely not be the case if I were a guy. It’s like when I’m being vulgar; people look at me with horror, whereas a guy saying the same thing is likely to get a round of applause. But here’s the thing: I love cursing up a storm and I’m not changing for anyone. Here’s what it’s like to be a woman who loves to swear.
- You swear during moments when it seems least likely that one would swear. As I said, I swore in my wedding vows, because it felt weird not to speak how I normally speak. I also don’t just love people, I f*cking love them, and I’m so f*cking sorry that your grandfather just died.
- You constantly have to watch your mouth around children. I’ve stopped trying to catch what I say around adults, because unless it’s my Grammy, hearing swear words shouldn’t bother them. But, Christ, when kids are around it’s damned near impossible to not drop an F-bomb. When my nephew paints me a picture how am I not supposed to say, “This is f*cking badass, Elliot!”
- Your mother will say your behavior is “unladylike” for the majority of your life. Actually, my mother can’t get through a single phone conversation without mentioning just how unladylike I am and the forever popular, “Where did I go wrong with you?” at least half a dozen times.
- You’re accused of having bad manners all the time. True story: Manners and swearing do not go hand-in-hand. For example, I always send thank you notes, I keep my elbows off the table and my napkin in my lap during dinner, I always tip at least 20 percent, and I mastered “please” and “thank you” before I even got to preschool. My manners are just fine, thank you.
- “F*ck” is your go-to for any and all emotions. I’m so f*cking happy! I’m so f*cking sad. I’m so f*cking confused. I’m so f*cking depressed. I’m so f*cking pissed, because what the f*cking f*ck?
- Most of the time you don’t even realize you’ve said anything “bad.” If it weren’t for someone around me pointing out what I’ve said, I wouldn’t even realize a lot of what I’m saying. Yes, I love swearing and relish in it when I’m aware, but it’s so f*cking natural that I just miss it sometimes.
- You impress yourself with your ability to get so many swears in one sentence. This is most especially true when I’m pissed off. For example: “You douchebag.” It’s a work of art, isn’t it?
- You’re always defending your use of the word “cunt.” Despite knowing several other women who use and love the word “cunt,” this is one that can start a war with an overly PC person who declares it an anti-feminist word. However, as a feminist, and a staunch one at that, I firmly believe it’s my right, as a woman who has completely control over her body, her mouth included, to say “cunt” to my heart’s content. So… cunt. Ha!
- You’ve been given more warnings for your language than you count. As a freelance writer who works from home, one of the best perks is the fact that I can say whatever I want and when I see a link that says “NSFW,” I can click on it without hesitation. Back in the day when I had an office job, I was constantly getting warnings for my language, and nine times out of 10 I had no idea what I had just said. It’s definitely safer here in my apartment where I can say (and write) whatever I f*cking please.