What I’ve Learned From Having Sex With More Than 50 Men

I’ve slept with more than 50 men over the past decade. This wasn’t something I did on purpose, but my rule was simple: if we’re both into it, why not go for it? I’m totally comfortable with my number and I’m grateful for all the lessons my sexual experiences have brought with them. Here are just a few.

1. All the things you’re insecure about aren’t usually noticed by other people. I get so bloated after eating that sometimes I can’t do up my pants and at times I could easily pass as several months pregnant. I’m very self-conscious about my stomach to the point that for a while there, I would only have sex with a t-shirt on or if I hadn’t eaten anything that day. I soon realized that any man who wants to see me naked is just super happy when it happens. Guys aren’t focussing on my stomach, my hairy legs, or the way that one rib weirdly sticks out. Their minds are otherwise occupied, as it should be.
2. People will try to make you feel bad—don’t let them. Whether you choose to have lots of sex or no sex, with the same person or different people, other people will try to make you feel bad about it. I don’t know if its human nature or modern society, but we seem to enjoy shaming others. For every friend who was encouraging me to settle down, I had another who would get mad if I dated a guy for more than a few weeks. Life isn’t about making other people comfortable with your choices. I learned that as long as I’m happy, that’s the most important thing.
3. Great sex isn’t about multiple orgasms alone. Sure, orgasms are great, but orgasms alone don’t make for great sex. As much as your partner might be putting loads of effort into getting you off, if you don’t want to be there, you just aren’t going to enjoy it. Feeling comfortable with a person, making jokes, asking questions, and openly talking about what you like and don’t like all make sex 100 times better.
4. You should always be open to trying new things—you never know what you might discover. I had an FWB who always wanted to try new things. This was quite early in my sexcapades and I hadn’t really tried anything apart from missionary before. He would always suggest trying different toys, positions, and locations, and since I felt safe and trusted him, I usually said yes. He introduced me to things I probably wouldn’t have tried otherwise, and I’m glad I was open to it.
5. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you don’t want to. Being open to trying new things is a way of learning about yourself and what you like and don’t like, but don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything you aren’t comfortable with. Everyone has things that they enjoy and other things that they don’t; you’re not “weird” because you have preferences and boundaries. Only say yes to things when you feel comfortable doing so. Chances are, the guy won’t mind and if he does, he’s a waste of your time anyway.
6. No one cares about your number. In my twenties, I was very embarrassed about my number. When I was 22 and it was two, I was embarrassed because it was low. When I was 26 and it was 30+, I was embarrassed because it was high. Now I’m in my thirties, it’s even higher and this article is the first time I’ve even thought about it in at least three years. It literally doesn’t matter. Yes, I’ve met men who are intimidated because it’s a high number, but some were also intimidated when it was low. Now I don’t bring it up and no one asks because who even cares?
7. Regret nothing. When I’m 99 and on my deathbed, I want to look back on my life and have no regrets. I know I won’t think I had sex with too many people. When I was in my twenties, I had sex with almost everyone I wanted to. I also had sex with some people I shouldn’t have, and some I probably didn’t really want to. I still don’t regret it. Yes, sleeping with your housemate is a bad idea and it makes things a bit awkward, but I wanted to at the time and I learned that even if I want to in the future, I probably shouldn’t. I see mistakes as lessons.
8. It’s really easy to find men to sleep with. I’m not super attractive; I’m fairly normal looking. I didn’t put much time or effort into finding men to sleep with. I know a secret, though: most men want to have sex with you. I feel confident that I could walk into any bar or club and find someone to have sex with, and so could you.
9. It’s more difficult to find ones to be in a relationship with. It’s important to differentiate between men you want to bone and men you’d like to date—not because you should make a man you’re really interested in wait or any of that nonsense, but so that you’re protecting yourself. It’s easy to convince yourself that a guy is really into you when really he’s just into getting into your pants.
10. Protection is so important. Always use a condom. Always have more than one with you in case the first one breaks, gets lost, whatever. It’s important to protect yourself from diseases, but it’s also important to protect yourself from getting hurt. If you know that you really want a serious relationship, don’t keep hanging out with a guy who sees you just as a sex partner. You will only end up feeling terrible.