The Sad But Hilarious Truth Of What Sex Is Like For Awkward Women

Everyone has dealt with embarrassing moments in the bedroom. There’s no way to avoid queefing and head butting. Of course, awkward ladies are stuck blushing more than anyone else, because they have a few extra problems to deal with. This is what sex is like when you have no idea how to be sexy:

  1. You never know how to respond to dirty talk. When he asks you if you’re enjoying yourself, you’ll moan a sexy “yes.” Of course, if he asks you anything that requires more than a one-word answer, you’ll have no idea how to respond. You’ll just throw a few sexy sounding words into your sentence and hope he doesn’t realize you’re speaking gibberish.You have trouble slipping into lingerie. Lingerie is supposed to make you feel sexier. However, it’ll take you twenty minutes to actually figure out where all of the tiny strings are supposed to be placed on your body. By the time you figure it all out, you’re almost too tired for sex.
  2. You’re too terrified to pull down his zipper. You want to turn him on by unzipping his jeans, but you’re worried you’ll get it caught on his skin. That would ruin the entire experience, so you’ll try to pull down his zipper as gingerly as possible, which will end up looking more awkward than sexy.
  3. You’re not sure how long to make eye contact. You’ve heard that eye contact is sexy, so you’ll try to look at him as much as you can during the act, even though it can feel embarrassing. Of course, you don’t want to stare at him for too long, because you don’t want to turn from cute to creepy.
  4. You never know what music to play. You can’t figure out how to set the mood. You don’t want to play Barry Manilow, because it’s too cliché. You don’t want to play Drake either, because you don’t want to fantasize about him instead of the guy you’re actually dating.
  5. You can’t remove your clothes gracefully. You want to remove your clothes effortlessly, like you’re doing a striptease. Of course, it always takes you way too long to roll your jeans down to your ankles and you usually end up getting your head caught in your shirt.
  6. You look for advice in crazy places. You’ll watch adult films to find ideas for the bedroom, but you never see anything you’d actually want to try. You’ll also check out magazines like Cosmo for tips, but their sex positions are always too difficult to pull off. No one has the help you need.
  7. You’re a failure when it comes to foreplay. You’ve seen women in movies eating bananas and licking lollipops seductively, but when you try it yourself, you end up looking ridiculous. Whenever you try to turn him on, you end up feeling foolish and giving up before he even realizes what you’re doing.
  8. You refuse to put his condom on. You’re hoping he’ll put the condom on himself, because you’re not sure how to assist him in a sexy way. You know some women use their teeth to put it on, but you wouldn’t be able to do that without biting down on him, and that’s the last thing either of you want.
  9. You never know how to initiate sex. Should you drop small hints that you’re interested? Should you just get on his lap and start kissing him? Should you just bluntly tell him that you’re horny? You’re not quite sure what the best move is.
Holly Riordan is a writer from Long Island, New York who has authored several science fiction and horror books. A graduate of Stony Brook University, she has spent nearly a decade writing for publications including Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram @hollyrio and Twitter @hollyyrio.