When your adult children cut you off, it’s like having a knife pierce your heart. Whether it came after a big argument or it was a slow, gradual fracture, being cut off is unimaginably painful. You might feel lost, hurt, and unsure what to do next. But you can get through this—one step at a time. Here are 15 things to help you cope and navigate this painful chapter.
1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
It’s okay to admit that this is one of the most gut-wrenching and painful experiences you’ll ever feel. Don’t ignore the pain; cry, scream, and get angry; feeling all your emotions is important. Grieve the relationship because losing contact with your child is a big deal. Don’t rush yourself through the hurt—give yourself time to process it all. Seek therapy if it’s overwhelming; you’re not alone.
2. Don’t Play The Blame Game
It’s easy to fall into the “I messed everything up” trap, but that won’t help. You’ll start overanalyzing every decision you ever made as a parent and punishing yourself. But don’t put all the blame on yourself. Relationships are complicated, and it’s likely not all on you. Cut yourself some slack.
3. Try to See Things from Their Perspective
Take a deep breath and try to put yourself in their shoes. Is there something they felt was left unresolved? Could they be carrying hurt from the past that you didn’t fully understand? You don’t have to agree with their reasons, but understanding their side can give you a clearer picture of what happened and make you feel more empathetic. It might mean you have to swallow your pride.
4. Give Them Their Space (Even If It Hurts)
This one’s tricky. If they’ve asked for space or said they need a break, you need to give it to them—even though every part of you probably wants to call or text. Respecting their boundaries shows that you’re listening and taking them seriously. It won’t feel good, but sometimes stepping back is the best way to move forward.
5. Release the Need to Control Them
You can’t control their decisions as much as you want to. You need to focus on what you can control and how you handle this going forward. Focus on your healing, your well-being, and how you can keep going despite this. This is an overwhelming situation where you most likely feel powerless, but focusing on the things you can control is a way to manage your emotions.
6. Give It Time Before Reaching Out
Send a gentle, low-pressure message when the time feels right (and only then). A simple “I’m thinking of you” can go a long way without prodding too much. Don’t expect a response immediately, but showing that you’re open to communication without being pushy can slowly rebuild the bridge.
7. Seek Therapy to Process Your Pain
This kind of pain isn’t something you have to handle alone, and being cut off by your children is undoubtedly worth reaching out to. Seeing a therapist can help you unpack the emotions and will arm you with strategies for coping. An outsider’s perspective is sometimes invaluable for navigating grief and enables you to process the situation healthily.
8. Reconnect With Your Support Network
You don’t have to do this alone. Even if you don’t want professional help, contacting close friends, family, or support groups is invaluable. Having people to talk to who understand what you’re going through can be incredibly comforting and help fill that lost relationship’s void. Sometimes, having someone to vent to or cry with makes all the difference.
9. Rediscover Who You Are Outside Parenthood
This is huge. When you’ve been “Mom” or “Dad” for decades, it’s easy to forget that you were your own person before you got that coveted title. Though you’d rather it be under different circumstances, now is the time to reconnect with yourself. What makes you happy? What hobbies or passions have you put on the back burner? This can be a truly healing and empowering experience if done right.
10. Time Truly Does Heal All Wounds
Healing and reconciliation take more time than we’d like. Whether the relationship can be fixed or not, time allows emotions to settle and perspectives to shift. If you ever want to reconnect, you and your child need to give yourself and your child the grace to work through this at your own pace.
11. Journal To Your Heart’s Content
If talking feels too hard or messy, writing can be an amazing, tranquil, and intimate outlet. Pour your feelings into a letter or journal. Sometimes, writing helps you organize your thoughts and process your emotions. It also takes the hurt grief out of your head and onto a page.
12. Avoid The Guilt Trip
Nothing says obtuse like sending a guilt trip-laden text. You might want to message your child something like “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me,” but you must resist the urge. Guilt trips only make things worse and can deepen the fracture. Instead, stay calm, respectful, and open to their feelings.
13. Find Your Own Closure
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There are things in life that you can’t change—and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes, the closure you’re looking for might not come from them but from within yourself. You need to be able to find peace no matter what happens.
14. Pay Attention to the Signs
If you manage to get a short reply or a small sign that the door isn’t closed, celebrate that. But remember – rebuilding relationships takes time, and you must still respect boundaries. Don’t dismiss the small victories—they’re signs of progress, no matter how slow.
15. Hold Onto Hope, But Keep Living
It’s okay to hope for a reconciliation; in fact, it’s totally normal. But don’t put your entire life on hold, waiting for it to happen. Keep living your life and focus on nurturing the relationships that are still strong. If your child decides to reconnect, you’ll be in a mentally and emotionally better place to welcome them back into your life.
