I know there’s a lot of pressure surrounding the dos and don’ts of having sex with your partner, but there’s always the dreaded stage when the passion seems to be slipping away. This comes in dribs and drabs first until suddenly you realize that everything has gone a little … well, limp. First things first, don’t panic. Like with spiders, chances are, he’s more scared of you than you are of him. Here’s how to engage with your partner when your sex life starts to lose its spark.
- He’s just as stressed as you are. This is not the time to panic or make rash decisions. It’s no one’s fault, and it’s nothing personal. However, there are actionable ways in which you can negotiate a flaccid situation. Don’t blame him, and don’t insinuate that he’s any less of a man for not being ‘ready’ for you twenty-four seven. The media will feed us the lie that all men are capable of is having sex constantly, but that’s just not the case. Be realistic – we all have off days. Be kind to each other.
- He just wants to make you feel good. Even if he is having performance issues, getting angry won’t solve anything. Remember that whatever the outcome for this specific affair, in the long term, he just wants to make you feel good. This comes with good communication and articulating boundaries and desires. Otherwise, we’re not mind-readers. How else would we know what the other person wants without clear consent and not being afraid to ask awkward questions? A man who doesn’t satisfy you initially but who is willing to put the work in and learn how to make you feel good is not a man to be dismissed.
- Sex isn’t everything. We’re all told that we need to have a sexual partner in order to be proper mature adults in this world but that just simply isn’t the case. Ignore the people that tell you otherwise. They’re just insecure and don’t care about having fulfillment outside of their partners, and that’s on them. Frankly, the most intimate things you can do with a person come when you let your guard down and fart in front of them for the first time. Or confess your hopes and dreams (in no particular order) – not just whether you have good sex or not.
- Communication resolves anxious feelings. It might not magically fix your sex overnight, but it will help you serve each other’s needs better. You only need to ask someone what they want and they will tell you. At least they will if they want to progress the relationship even further and build a strong connection.
- Refine your relationship boundaries. If sex is really important to how you perceive yourself in the relationship, then maybe explore why that is. Interrogate yourself and communicate those thoughts and feelings to the people around you. If you need to change certain boundaries to feel more comfortable or to accommodate his sexual desires, do what feels right.
- Mix things up. Try to be more adventurous if he’s going limp during sex. Spice things up and find ways to meet each other in the middle. It’s a give and take, and there should be work on both sides to treat each other right. It’s an experience to share as equals, not a service performed and graded.
- Try a new position. Maybe it’s as simple as giving a few new positions a quick google and setting on your merry way. Or trying a new lube. Confidence goes a long way to reigniting the flame. There are so many things we have to learn about what men and women want in bed because they don’t communicate. Don’t be afraid to ask what they secretly want, it’s the only way!
- Roleplay. This might sound corny, but sometimes guys need to get out of their own heads, even in sex. They have their own pressures and anxieties too, and we all need to make sure everyone is comfortable. Try being someone else for a while, or experimenting with different characters.
- Know that it’s not personal. Just because he goes limp in bed once, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. Not even slightly. It could be that he’s on a new medication, or he was drunk, or an all manner of things. Guys are always expected to just be ‘ready’ for sex all the time. But that’s not how it works, and it’s an unfair dynamic. Be patient.
So there you are a list of reasons to stay the course if your sex isn’t great one week. Know that there are lots of ways to meet your needs and improve the situation and not panic. Make sure that he feels safe and loved and you can’t go wrong.