When He Pulls Away, Do Nothing: Why This Is The Best Advice

You thought everything was going well when out of nowhere, he starts getting all distant and aloof on you. What gives? While only he can answer that question with certainty, the best reaction from you is clear. When he pulls away, do nothing. While it might be the hardest thing you can do, it’s the only way to handle the situation.

  1. You deserve a partner who you don’t have to chase. A man who pulls away from you is not someone you can happily be with. You deserve someone who chooses to be by your side every day of your relationship, not someone who needs to be reminded why they should. If you feel like you have to convince him of your worth, he is not worthy of you. If he really knew you, your value would never be in question.
  2. You can’t wait around for someone who isn’t ready. He may have pulled away from you because he isn’t ready for the type of relationship you want. You can’t make him ready, and any attempt to do so will backfire. You could try to be patient, but when there are so many other people out there, why wait? He needs to understand that you aren’t putting your life on hold for him to get his act together.
  3. He may have seen something in the relationship that you didn’t. Maybe he knew that the relationship wasn’t right before you did. Detaching himself from you without explaining himself is cruel and thoughtless, but he may have been hurrying up the inevitable. Do not overly-romanticize your relationship just because it ended before you realized it couldn’t last. It would not have worked out, even if he had stuck around for a while longer.
  4. If he’s going to come back, it will be his own decision. You cannot make him come back to you, even if he lets you persuade him to. He may be there physically, but his heart will not be in it. The fact that he’s pulled away from you in the first place proves that this is something he needs to work through on his own. If you try to fix the situation for him, he’ll see you as someone who will do anything to be with him. Over time, he will take you for granted.
  5. You will find love. It may not feel like it right now, but you find someone who treats you better. This man is not your only shot at love. More people are waiting in the wings who will see you for the amazing, unique person that you are. Just because this man undervalues you does not mean he is better or more important than anyone else. It means he’s not seeing you properly. Leave him behind you and find someone who does.
  6. You should not create a toxic dynamic. You may think you want to be with him, but imagine what it will be like after months of emotional unavailability. If you ever become a couple, it should be because he decides that he wants to come back and make an effort, not because you pursue him and persuade him he should be with you. The latter will create an unhealthy relationship where you are constantly trying to make him happy and he is constantly making you feel like you’re never enough.
  7. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. His disappearance may make you feel responsible. You think you’ve scared him off and that all you need to do is be gentle and patient with him. By believing this, you’re ignoring the real reason behind the situation: this is who he is. He is the kind of person who will make you feel wanted and then cut himself off from you for seemingly no reason. He isn’t going to change if you alter your approach. It’s who he is.
  8. He does not deserve your attention. Anyone who pulls away without explanation does not deserve your emotional investment. Chasing after him to see what went wrong will only reinforce his behavior and make him think he can treat you like an afterthought and still have the option of being with you. Don’t waste your time and attention on trying to get him back. Just let him go.
  9. It allows you to work on yourself. The first question you should ask is not how to get him back, but why you want to. Is it low self-esteem that makes you see his behavior as anything other than thoughtless and selfish? Is self-doubt making you question why he drifted away when you should be questioning what kind of a person would do that? Turn inward and consider why his behavior isn’t a dealbreaker to you when it clearly should be. You may be undervaluing yourself.
  10. The way he left has nothing to do with you. Having someone drift away from you without explanation is painful, and it’s difficult not to see it as a personal rejection. But while he may have felt that the relationship wasn’t right for him, there is no excuse for leaving someone hanging. Do not blame yourself for his choices. His lack of integrity is about him, not you.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.