When I Look At The Available Men Out There, I Feel Pretty Hopeless

As a single woman, I’m not shy about saying that I’d like to find a boyfriend who will eventually turn into a husband. I feel like I’m doing everything right — putting myself out there, keeping an open mind, and trying to manifest my dream guy by being the type of person I want to find. Sadly, none of those things has been effective. To be honest, when I look at what the available guys out there are really like, I feel utterly hopeless.

  1. Toxic masculinity is alive and well. So many men out there are overly and unnecessarily aggressive, sometimes to the point of violence. The slightest thing is a threat to their masculinity which causes them to lash out. A lot of them also seem to hate women and are extremely anti-feminist. Given that I’m, you know, a woman, that’s seriously concerning.
  2. They want way more than they’re willing to offer. This is something that makes me feel completely hopeless when it comes to my prospects of finding love. I’m more than willing to go all in on a relationship, but I’m looking for a guy who’s going to meet me halfway, and not many of them seem to want to do that. They want dedicated partners who think they’re the center of our universe while they continue to live their lives as if nothing has changed and they’re still carefree bachelors. It’s seriously depressing.
  3. Even the most average-looking guys want a supermodel. I’d like to date a guy I’m physically attracted to, obviously, but I’m not looking for Jason Mamoa here. Many guys, however, place the utmost importance on women’s physical appearance and expect us to look like porn stars or supermodels… even if they’re lacking in the looks department themselves. I can’t help but feel hopeless about my chances of finding a great guy when I’m told I “could slim down a little” despite being a Size 12 and am jokingly told that the guy would pay for my nose job if he won the lottery. Yes, really.
  4. Challenging them on their behavior turns them off completely. Most mature, evolved men really like when women challenge them to be the best version of themselves. However, many of the available guys I meet are the total opposite. Calling them out on problematic behavior or challenging some of their more archaic perspectives tends to turn them off. Even if they seemed crazy about me before, they immediately lose interest if I have too much of an opinion on, well, anything.
  5. They have extremely short attention spans and will ghost without hesitation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been getting along really well with a guy who ghosted me a few days later. Things seemed to be going well, but I guess not. Trying to even make it to a first date feels hopeless sometimes. I know they guy will go AWOL before we ever get there, which is annoying. I’m so sick of wasting my time on guys who need to be entertained 24/7.
  6. They’re incapable of commitment because they want to play the field. They might say they want a relationship, but when you get down to it, that’s not actually true. Most available guys I’ve come across want to stay that way: available. They want to have their cake and eat it too. They’re happy to keep you around to have sex with but they’re going to keep chatting to other women too (and potentially sleeping with them).
  7. Their egos are so fragile that they’re easily offended by strong women. This sort of plays into the whole toxic masculinity point and it makes me feel sad and hopeless as hell. So many guys can’t handle women who are strong, confident, and self-actualized. They take it as a direct insult to their manliness and will lash out when they feel this way. I don’t even have to be displaying this strength directly — simply knowing that I’m independent and badass is enough of a blow for many of them.
  8. Most guys want replacement mothers and sex robots, not partners. I hate to say this but it’s true. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated who made this very clear. They wanted someone to cook for them, clean up for them, take care of their daily responsibilities so they could sit back and do nothing. They wanted someone who would just shut up and get naked whenever they were horny without complaining or refusing them. Beyond that, they really couldn’t care less.
  9. They constantly talk about themselves on dates and never ask about you. This is a biggie. We all want to impress on first dates, but many guys take this to the extreme by spending the entire date bragging and exaggerating their lives to try and win you over. It’s like they don’t understand that to build a relationship, we both have to be involved. Sadly, it’s commonly a one-way conversation and I never get a word in edgewise. Is it any wonder I feel so hopeless about dating these days?
Bolde has been a source of dating and relationship advice for single women around the world since 2014. We combine scientific data, experiential wisdom, and personal anecdotes to provide help and encouragement to those frustrated by the journey to find love. Follow us on Instagram @bolde_media or on Facebook @BoldeMedia