When you start dating a new guy, sex is presumably going to be on the cards sooner or later. However, figuring out the right time to make this step can be hard. You don’t want to hop into bed with him too quickly but you also don’t want to wait too long and end up having your spark fizzle out and turn into nothing more than friendship. So, when should you sleep with the guy you’re dating for the first time? Here are some things that should be happening before you get intimate.
- You’ve talked about safe sex. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner, you definitely shouldn’t be having it, end of story. If you haven’t discussed the idea of doing it safely — how you’ll prevent an unwanted pregnancy, whether he’ll wear a condom (which he definitely should), etc. — then you have no business sleeping together. Sex requires maturity and honesty, so don’t sleep with the guy you’re dating unless you’re sure that’s in place.
- You feel comfortable with him. You might insist that you would never sleep with a guy you’re not comfortable with, but I bet you have in the past. Afterward, you sorta don’t know why you did it and kind of wish you hadn’t because it was awkward, weird, and more than a little uncomfortable with him. Before you sleep with the guy you’re dating, you should feel relaxed around him, like you don’t have to put on any airs or pretend to be someone you’re not so that he still likes you/wants to have sex with you.
- You don’t feel like he’s coercing or pressuring you into sleeping with him. This would be one of the worst reasons to sleep with the guy you’re dating. If you’re doing it because he won’t shut up about it, he keeps telling you you’re “weird” for not wanting to do it yet, or claiming that you’d want to have sex with him if you really liked him, please keep your clothes firmly on your body. Don’t even keep dating him anymore, let alone start sleeping with him. Get away as fast as you can.
- You have a real connection with him and not just sexual attraction. While yes, two people can totally have consensual casual sex, if you’re hanging out/chatting all the time, you’re both clearly looking for more than that. If that’s the case, before you sleep with the guy you’re dating, make sure you have a real connection there on some level that goes beyond a basic level of horniness because he’s hot. That’s not to say you need to be head over heels in love with him, but you should at least see some kind of potential for something more.
- He’s proven himself to be consistent/not shady. So many guys find it so hard to be honest, upfront, and consistent when they’re seeing someone new. They think women should be grateful for the bare minimum and reward them for doing it, which is… not the case. Before you sleep with the guy you’re dating, make sure he’s not playing you hot and cold and that he’s not waving any red flags. He should be clear about how much he likes you and have no issues showing interest regularly. It’s honestly not that hard.
- You’re on the same page about what sex means. This is a must. Sex means different things to different people. For instance, you might find it really hard not to get attached after sleeping with someone whereas for him, it’s more of a biological function that doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. Whatever your feelings, you should both be aware of how the other person feels about sex and feel okay about it so that no one gets hurt.
- You’re not worried about how sex will change things between you. Are you worried that if you get into bed with him, he suddenly won’t like you or want to date you anymore? All the more reason not to do it. If you’re going to sleep with a guy, you want him to still be interested in dating you the following morning and in the weeks and months after. Sure, there’s never a guarantee that you’re going to last forever just because you had sex, but you shouldn’t have to worry that he’s going to lose interest the minute you put out.
- He respects you and your boundaries. Do you even need to be reminded why this is so vital? Sex with a guy should never be scary or stressful. You shouldn’t have to wonder whether he’s going to pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with or forcing himself on you if happen to change your mind (which you’re totally allowed to do, by the way). Nothing makes a woman want to sleep with a guy she’s dating more than knowing he respects your boundaries and would never violate them.
- You actually want to. This is really what it all comes down to. If you want to sleep with a guy and it feels right, go for it. You’re a grown woman capable of making her own decisions regardless of what anyone else says or thinks. Only you know what’s right for you, so if it does, get yours.