Not too long ago, the father of my child left me and I fell into a pretty deep depression. I looked back at my dating history and realized that men were either unwilling or unable to go all-in with me long-term. What ended up happening after I walked away from my last dysfunctional and destructive relationship is both sad and awesome at the same time. In lieu of having a loving husband to save me, adore me, and pamper me, I became the man I always wanted to marry — and it feels incredible.
- Realizing that men aren’t ever going to love me the way I wanted to be loved forced me to pick up slack I’d have wanted a man to do. Sometime around the fourth month of the breakup, I realized men were weak. They weren’t strong enough to provide for me, protect me, nurture me when I’m sick or be there for their families. So, I hit the gym to regain my strength, looked into investing on the stock market, and treated myself to spa visits that I would have loved a man to treat me to.
- I became someone strong. I’m stronger now than I was before, physically and mentally. In fact, people actually tell me that my mannerisms are aggressive because of how much assertiveness I cultivated. Unlike Ossiana Version 1.0, this new Ossiana has no problem telling people off if they annoy her. I’m not a doormat and I no longer try to make men feel good about themselves because they didn’t return the favor when I needed them.
- I take care of myself better than my exes ever did. I hate to say it but it’s true. I give myself spa days. I go out for drinks when I want to. I make a point of keeping myself de-stressed and telling myself I’m better than those who hurt me. In a way, it sucks because all I ever wanted was a guy who’d be there for me, tell me I’m beautiful and let me be a wife to him. Unfortunately, I ended up having to treat myself because no man wanted to do that for me.
- I no longer need love. The weird thing about suffering on your own and giving up the dream of some guy sweeping you off your feet is that you start getting very business-like in your mentality. It’s no longer a matter of me asking, “What can I do to keep this guy happy and show him I love him?” Rather, my mentality shifted to one that asks, “What am I getting out of this? Is he using me? He probably is, but what for?”
- I’m open to love, just not from men. I’m not heterosexual. I’m very much interested in having a relationship with a woman and think I’d make a damn good partner for the right lady. But, in terms of guys, having become a better husband than any of the men who approached me made me realize there’s probably nothing there for me in the long term.
- I’ve had men approach me, but it’s not the same anymore. When I turned into the man I wanted to marry, my faith in men died. I realized that I was strong enough to love men even when they did heinous things to me, abandoned me, and used me. I don’t think they’re strong enough to actually love women the same way I loved them. I already have an example of the best husband possible — me. Why would these guys think they can be more faithful and better to me than myself?
- To be honest, I don’t think I want to be married anymore. Let’s say that some loser proposes to me again. Taking care of a man is a lot of work, and what would I really get in return? An oath that’s broken 50 percent of the time? A stupid, overpriced, diamond ring? A party because some self-serving guy finally thinks I’m “good enough” and therefore worth it? Maybe a divorce where he milks me for every penny I have?
- With every bitter divorcee I hear, I realize I’m not alone in this. They have to be both the husband and wife in their households because their men were dead weight, abusive, or cheaters. The only difference between me and them is that I didn’t spend 20 years taking care of a guy who didn’t appreciate me.
- Though this is sad, it’s also beautiful at the same time. In a weird way, being the man I would have died to be with made me realize I don’t want or need a boyfriend. I no longer feel pressured to buy nice things for them or do things to make them feel special. If I do something, it’s because I’m getting sex out of the deal or because I legit just want to drink with some guy who wants to talk about how great I am. And just like that, I’m free from desperation and liberated from the burden of chasing a dream that would never happen.