Here’s Why Amazing Guys Are Really So Hard To Find

Does it sometimes feel like the world is full of douchebags to the point of absurd saturation? You’re not entirely wrong, but I’m here to restore your faith. Solid guys are out there—they’re just super hard to find. Here’s why they seem so elusive.

1. They’re taken. This is the most obvious problem—a lot of the guys who you see as viable candidates for a long-term relationship are already taken. When there’s fewer to go around, it’s harder to find what you’re looking for, particularly because most people are looking for roughly the same thing—someone they can trust, someone who’s smart and interesting, and someone who makes them laugh. You will find a guy like that, but you might have to wait a while.
2. Douchebags get around a LOT more. The unpleasant fact is that the subgroup of guys who are toxic jerks tend to get around a lot more. They go to bars, they’re on the streets, and they’re just generally out and about and in your face. Decent guys are perfectly happy to stay home on a Saturday night cooking dinner and watching Netflix (like, actually watching Netflix). Jerks aren’t.
3. They’re busy. They’re doing stuff. They’re not hanging out on Tinder, they’re going for a hike. They’re not sitting in a bar at 2 a.m., they’re at home asleep because they’re renovating their kitchen on Sunday. However, you can use this—get out of the normal routine of going for a drink on Saturday and start taking classes and doing stuff. That’s how you’ll corner some decent guys.
4. They’re just less of them. The problems of existing relationships and slight introversion exacerbate a structural problem—there are just not that many good dudes around. It’s a lot easier to be a douche then it is to be a nice person.  It’s a lot easier to be flippant and shallow than to develop deep, meaningful relationships with those around you. And the truth is, a lot of us guys will just take the path of least resistance.
5. There’s a lot of social pressure to be a douchebag. I know, this sounds like a total cop-out—”It’s not my fault I can’t talk to women without staring at their boobs, it’s society’s fault!”—but bear with me. We live in a world where social pressures facilitate bad rather than good behavior in men. We’re reassured that it’s okay to treat women poorly, that women are not real people, that seeing them as objects is not only acceptable but required to be a  man. And while we’re moving in the right direction in general, these are deeply ingrained attitudes and are a hard to shift. The result? There are a lot of guys who are probably perfectly lovely in all respects EXCEPT for their dealings with women.
6. They have no idea what to do when they meet a woman. I’m sorry but it’s true—we have little to no idea of what to do when we meet a woman who we like because of all the reasons I’ve just listed. Society tells us to do one thing and we know that’s not right, but there’s no script to fill that void. Combined with a fear of rejection, an uncertainty that we’re doing the right thing, and little to no emotional intelligence, it’s easy to put a foot wrong. Sometimes, perfectly nice guys can come across as perfectly inarticulate and inept at stuff like, you know, not drooling.
7. Turtling is a thing. Getting burned totally sucks, and since guys who are worth knowing are willing to open themselves emotionally, they’re a lot more likely to have been burned in the past. As I’m sure anyone who has ever been cheated on, had their heart shattered, or just been through a nasty, isolating, friend-group-dividing breakup can attest to, it doesn’t exactly compel you to get back on that horse.
8. Guys who are worth dating don’t love the spotlight. It’s not that all good guys are basement-dwelling hermits who are introverted to no end and never come out of their shells, it’s just that generally speaking, in a social setting, the center of attention is going to be a tool. Who wants to compete with a douchebag for the spotlight? Much more fun to just sit back and relax, enjoying the show.
9. It’s hard to know if some dude is a loser via a phone. While technology is awesome, the fact is, it’s easy to lie over the phone and it’s easy to masquerade as a decent human being when in fact you’re just a jerk. Since dating has moved more and more online and douchebags have taken to the internet like flies to honey, it’s gotten harder and harder to meet a normal person.
10. They’ve gotten worse at growing up. Finally, guys are just really bad at growing up. Peter Pan Syndrome, Man Children—whatever you want to call it, the fact is, we’re not very good at being mature, evolved men. And we’ve gotten worse. It’s REALLY hard to have an adult conversation with someone with the maturity of a 15-year-old, as I’m sure you’re aware of.