I’ve always been good at being single — it works for me better than most relationship statuses, but what works for me best of all is being bitter and single. Why? Well, I’m kind of a cranky little jerk to begin with and I don’t give enough of a damn to fight that crankiness. So while I totally embrace being single — I am living my best life after all — I also totally embrace the bitterness that comes with it. As far as I’m concerned, it adds to my charm. And man, oh man, do I get to avoid certain social graces. It’s awesome.
No one expects me to be the life of the party. Once everyone just assumes you’re going to show up and be the Debbie Downer, the stress of being “on” at parties is totally gone. You can sit in the corner with a whole bottle of red wine and not feel obligated to socialize or even be remotely friendly.
I get to avoid being asked, “Are you OK?” When non-bitter people are having a bad day, it’s all over their faces. Because of that, they have to deal with that annoying inquiry into their mental and emotional state: “Are you OK?” I never get asked that. People already know the answer to that stupid ass question.
When I bail on plans, no one gives me a hard time. The fact that I want to sit at home on a Friday night is just accepted by everyone who knows me. They know that pizza and Netflix is all I really need, and they don’t get all pissy when I cancel at the last minute.
I don’t get anything for my resting bitch face. Granted, I’ve had resting bitch face since I fell from my mother’s uterus, but when you’re known for your epic bitterness, no one in your inner circle tells you that you should smile more — I can’t say the same for douchebags on the street, of course.
I don’t have to fake happiness when someone gets engaged. I’m currently surrounded by several friends who just got engaged — three of whom were at my wedding (two were actually bridesmaids because FML). And while I’m totally happy for them deep down, I don’t have to fake it by overdoing it. I also can’t be blamed when I “accidentally” blurt out the divorce rates.
My eyes get one hell of a workout. Although I’m not sure one needs to exercise their eyes, my eyeballs are some of the most exercised eyes around because I literally roll the hell out of them easily 100 times a day. A friend calls to ask me to be a bridesmaid? Eye roll, followed by a groan. Seeing two lovers going to town on each other in the park on a spring day? Eye roll, followed a puking sound. I end up catching the end of some stupid rom-com where the two leads get together after some sort of drama? Eye roll, couch-palm — which is like a face-palm, but I plant my face into the couch instead.
People know enough not to bother me with chit chat. I’m not a big talker. Never have been. But it’s in being bitter and single that I finally get people to leave me alone and spare me their chatter. Ask me how many f*cks I give about what the weather will like this weekend or how your partner took you to a five-star restaurant for your birthday.
I get to be brutally honest. Not only do I get to avoid fake happiness, but I also get to be honest, and brutally so, in all circumstances. This is because when you’re bitter as hell, no one expects you to conceal the truth about ANYTHING. So, go ahead and ask me how those jeans really make your ass look.
I don’t have to GAF about dating. While other singles get on all those dating apps or beg their friends to set them up with someone because they want to cease being single, my bitterness helps me avoid all that BS. If I go on a date, I don’t get stressed about, because whatever. Nor am I depressed when it goes horribly wrong.
I have a deeper understanding of life. Rom-coms? All lies. Happy couples? They’ll be broken up by the fall. Love? Just a chemical reaction in the brain that exists solely for human beings to procreate and keep the species alive so we can just destroy the planet even more with more and more bratty babies who will grow up to be just as crappy and delusional as their parents. See? Do you have life THAT figured out? I think not.
I don’t have to apologize for myself. No matter what I do or say, it’s just generally accepted that I’m a bitter loser who has lost all ability to function in social situations without offending everyone in sight. Do you know how freeing that is? It’s the most freeing thing in the world! Seriously. I’m living outside the social rules that society has prescribed for us! I’m a bitter renegade out to rain on everyone’s parade! I’m basically the most real loser you’ll ever meet! As I said, it’s awesome. You should try it.
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