When you’ve been single for longer than you can remember, the situation starts to get a bit dire. You retreat into a fantasy land of romantic possibilities that you never pursue and you become downright obsessed with every single guy you meet, despite the fact that he’s completely unappealing and you’re not attracted to him in the slightest. WTF is that all about?
- You’re bored romantically. Well, obviously. Maybe you don’t really want to date anyone, but you miss the gushy, gooey aspect of having a boyfriend. You want all the good stuff without any of the work and effort that goes along with it — you’ve done it the hard way and it didn’t yield results so you’re over it. Ugh, why can’t the perfect guy just FIND you already?
- You can no longer tell what’s flirting vs. being friendly. It’s been a really long time since someone showed serious interest in you — so long that you don’t remember what that even looks like anymore. You’re so eager for love and affection that you take any positive action from a man as flirtation. Often men are simply being nice, but you see it as something more. Then you find out that a guy has a girlfriend or a fiancee and you get really confused.
- It feels safe to have crushes on guy friends. It’s just easier. You wouldn’t actually date them, but it’s nice to be around men who treat you well and think you’re awesome. When you’re super single and have no actual prospects, your friendly affection for them can turn into something more. After all, they’re giving you something you aren’t getting romantically.
- Everyone is taken anyway. The safest kind of harmless crush? Your guy friends who are engaged or married. This may sound super creepy, but you don’t have any intention of becoming a homewrecker. The two of you can engage in banter and you can tell him anything because you both know he’s super off-limits. It eases any awkward tension or weirdness that may ensue with you and single guy friends. You don’t have to worry that Taken Guy will think you’re hitting on him.
- Not getting any makes you unreasonably horny. You start fantasizing about everyone because you aren’t getting laid! Your hormones are out of control, so suddenly you’re eyeing dudes you would never look at that way under any other circumstances. It’s not your fault — you have needs!
- You start to find ridiculous stuff suddenly attractive. Because you are so desperate to get some, you are weirdly drawn to quirks and strange qualities that you would normally pass over. It’s suddenly cute that certain men in your life do all this stuff you used to find horribly annoying. It’s a side effect of the horny haze you’re living in. Don’t fall prey to these false attractions!
- You romanticize randoms. Ever find yourself staring at that cutie in the coffee shop and suddenly making up stories about him in your head? When you don’t have a love life, you have to create a fantasy alter ego that would do everything you won’t. You can make up daydreams about fate bringing you together with a stranger because it will never happen. It’s easier that way.
- You romanticize friends you never saw that way before. Suddenly that guy you’ve been friends with all your life and never looked at twice are strangely appealing. Because you have nothing going on at all and no prospects in sight, suddenly you look at what’s already around you in a whole new light. If you had something else going on, you’d never feel this way… and it’ll go away as soon as you do.
- Admit it — you hug your pillow at night and imagine it’s a man. Ah, come on, you’ve done this before. It’s one thing to just hug it because you miss the comfort of sleeping with someone. It’s quite another to literally imagine a certain man is embodied by that pillow. Now you’re getting into Bridget Jones territory. Just squeeze your eyes tight and it’s almost like that acquaintance who doesn’t know you’re obsessed with him is right there next to you…
- You find yourself making up romantic scenarios. Oh, the daydreams! If you don’t have a real love life you can damn well create one in your head. Take a guy, any guy, and plug him into the story. You may find yourself staring a bit too long at that cute co-worker of yours as you imagine him declaring his love in front of the entire office. Love is so much easier when it only exists in your head.
- You talk about random guys way too much. If you catch your friends rolling their eyes when you casually bring up a random dude yet again, you need to cut it out. You aren’t actually dating them, you probably won’t be dating them, so it’s best to try and act as normal as possible. This means suppressing your crazily horny interior and pretending that you aren’t checking out the ass of every man who walks by. No one wants to hear it.
- You imagine far-fetched scenarios. If you’re crushing on someone that is very taken, you think, well why not? Most people don’t stay together forever, right? You just have to bide your time and maybe someday… STOP. This is not cute. Yeah, you aren’t going to actually break them up yourself, but you’re sort of hoping it happens anyway. That’s screwed up. You gotta stop being lazy about your crushes and at least find guys who are actually single.
- You’re like a “crazy non-girlfriend.” You never even dated the dudes, but you’re pining over them like they’re your long-long loves. It’s a bit much, don’t you think? Yeah, it sucks when you’re single a while and longing for some male attention, but you can’t just go seeking it out wherever you want. You’re definitely going to end up freaking some guys out.
- Any random acquaintance is now a romantic possibility. In your mind, that is. Someone might live halfway across the country and yet somehow in your head, you make up a scenario in which the two of you end up happily ever after. You’re so single that your mind is literally warping all logic to create dreams of romance. It can really get out of control, so maybe rein it in a bit and make up your mind to either be single AF or get out there and try to meet someone who’s viable to date.
