One of the biggest signs of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. It’s frustrating, but that’s what lots of us end up with in our relationships. It can feel nearly impossible to get out of these patterns, and eventually, you start to feel like you don’t deserve anything else. That’s where I come in, to tell you why you constantly fall for the wrong guys. It’s not always your fault. This isn’t a time to blame yourself, but instead to learn about what you need and what you can leave behind.
- You haven’t found yourself yet. Are you one of those teenagers that had a partner when you were 15? And haven’t been single since? Because you didn’t gain those key skills when you were young about forming strong female friendships. Knowing the value of platonic relationships. As you grew older it became harder and harder to establish boundaries. To separate and define the types of love that you were experiencing, because you felt like you were getting it all from one source. Your partner. That puts a lot of pressure on one person. It means that if they’re toxic, you’re in trouble. Toxic behaviors also start to train your brain to come to expect that. Particularly from a young age when you have no other frame of reference.
- You lack of self-love. This is another big hitter in terms of causing your lack of self-esteem. Feeling like you aren’t inherently worthy of love, or good enough for someone else to love, will cause you to make the wrong decisions in relationships. You will have lower standards than is good for you, and you will struggle to assert and advocate for yourself in the relationship because you fear that they’ll leave you. These are difficult thoughts to train yourself out of. It takes time and patience, but you have to trust that you are more than your service to other people. Love isn’t conditional. Try listing ways that you love yourself that aren’t about ways you serve other people. Build from there.
- You’re distracted. Maybe you’re always choosing the wrong people because you don’t really want a relationship. You might not feel ready, or willing to get hurt. You try to sabotage the relationship before it starts. Before you get too vulnerable. This is natural, but you have to take the risk. Focus on what you want. Go out and get it. Mean it.
- You haven’t experimented yet. Are you still chasing the skinny dark-haired guys because that’s what your first boyfriend looked like? Does that sound like a healthy choice? Next time you’re skipping through dating apps, pick someone that you wouldn’t normally pick. They might surprise you.
- You crave validation. Maybe as a child, you never got the support that you felt that you deserved. Call it middle child syndrome, or something closer to emotional neglect, but the effect is the same. You crave attention. Society tells us that the best form of validation is romantic. Claimed within relationships that affirm that we are desirable and worthy of being loved. It’s not healthy, but that’s where your principle of “anything (and anyone) goes” comes from. You feel a sense of urgency and panic when you’re alone. Try to sit in your own space for a while.
- You love a bad guy. More specifically, you love the idea of a bad guy, which is why you fall for them all the time. The reality of bad boys is disappointing, to say the least. They’re chock full of anxiety, low self-esteem, and gaslighting. Most of us have our fill in our twenties, but if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of toxic guys that treat you badly, reflect on why you associate love with suffering.
- You need to analyze what you’re attracted to. Did you just find a conventionally attractive guy to crush on in middle school and never question that later on? Here’s your time to actually make a list or Venn diagram about who your perfect guy is. Or, better still, go in with no expectations and an open mind.
- You have Daddy issues. We all have them, and they’re one of the biggest reasons you fall for guys who don’t want you (or ones that are just bad for you in general). The first step is identifying what drives your decisions, and then finding ways to overcome them. Talking with a therapist could help with this.
These changes won’t happen overnight, so be patient with yourself. But this is the time to stop attracting toxic guys.
