Why You Can Never Change A Guy And Shouldn’t Bother Trying

You’ve met a guy who would be perfect for you… if only he just changed his toxic ways. You really see potential in him to be a wonderful boyfriend, but here’s why you should never try to change anyone you date. Ever.

  1. You’ll seem controlling, not caring. Who would want anyone to change them? Not only is it insulting, but it will make you seem like a controlling girlfriend who views her partner as a pet project. You could come off like you’re trying to be his mother rather than his partner, and that’s not great either.
  2. It’s a double standard. Would you want to be in a relationship that’s supposed to be based on love, trust, and support and yet feel like you’re being rejected every day? Hell no. But that’s what trying to change someone does. It makes them feel that you don’t really love them.
  3. He could take advantage of you. If the person you’re dating is legit toxic, he could easily take advantage of all your help. He’ll think that you’re trying to find him a car/apartment/job or fix his commitment issues because you’re a doormat and so he can easily get more out of you.
  4. You’ll be drained. Honestly, even if he’s a really nice guy who wouldn’t dream of taking advantage of your kindness, hooking up with a guy who needs to turn his life around and trying to change him will zap all your energy so that you’ll have nothing left for yourself. This is a sure way to put yourself at the bottom of your priorities list when you should be in the top spot!
  5. He won’t change for you. I can guarantee you that no matter how much your partner promises to be a better person and better at relationships, he will never really change. The change needs to come from within them if it’s going to last. For example, I once asked a guy I was dating to quit smoking because it’s a deal-breaker for me due to my having lost a loved one to smoking-related cancer. He said he’d quit for me but it didn’t last and it had a nasty side effect: it made him resent me.
  6. You’ll feel like a terrible person. If you’re always bugging your partner to change, such as because he’s a commitment-phobe who doesn’t really want a relationship, it can make you feel like you’re a bad person. Even if he does seem to change for you, it will just make you feel guilty because you put so much pressure on them. Let things happen naturally if they’re meant to happen at all.
  7. You shouldn’t try to fix deal-breakers. If you want to change your partner because of something serious that he’s doing, such as being emotionally or physically abusive, you’re wasting your time. It’s not your job to change their deep-seated and serious issues – and it would be better to look out for yourself and get of the relationship that could seriously harm you.
  8. You’re not seeing who he really is. If you’re trying to change your partner so he can be more of what you want in a partner, you’ll be focusing on who he could be instead of who he is right now. That’s what you should be seeing and if you don’t like it, why waste his time and yours by continuing your relationship with him?
  9. You’ll end up settling. Focusing on what could be in your partner and relationship will mean that you’re hoping to get what you need from them but it’s not happening and probably will never happen. The result? You settle for less than you deserve.
  10. You’ll push him away. There’s no doubt that trying to change someone will eventually push them away. The guy will either rebel against you by being more of the person you don’t want, such as by partying hard like a single guy on weekends or he’ll get fed up with always feeling like he’s not good enough and will build up resentment until he explodes.
  11. You should rather change your type. Instead of being attracted to guys who need fixing, rather put your energy into changing the type of person you’re attracted to. It’ll make your life so much easier and zap a lot of drama from your life!
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.