Why You Need To Stop Telling Guys You’re Cool With Keeping Things Casual When You’re Really Not

­­I’ve been the girl who was so desperate not to let a guy go that I begged him to stick around with fewer expectations from me. Let me tell you, it sucked. I never want to stoop so low in the standards pool that I allow someone access to my companionship solely on their terms ever again. Here are 10 brutal truths about consenting to a casual union when that isn’t what you’re looking for.

  1. Nothing that’s forced works. Why waste your energy on tolerating a setup that’s less than what you truly desire? You would have to put a cap on how much emotional attachment you show and act on regardless of how you actually feel. Bottling feelings inside that you can’t let out will eventually cause you to implode and wreak havoc on your well-being. Don’t sign yourself up for that kind of torture.
  2. You’re short-changing yourself. Why make yourself available for situationships if you’re wifey material? Market yourself for what you’re worth. Guys should earn access to you, not be allowed to enjoy the perks of what you have to offer sans commitment. Make them work for you or kick them to the curb. If they don’t want to stick around because you demand more, you’re better off without them in your life anyway.
  3. It’s a lie. The truth always comes out and at the end of the day, you’d be the one in the wrong for being deceptive. If he never wanted more and you both agreed to this arrangement up front, you can’t blame him for acting accordingly and not changing his mind when your feelings get deeper. He’s just sticking to the plan. Stop thinking you can create a situation out of “potential” and see things for what they are.
  4. You could miss a real opportunity. Attaching yourself to dead-end relationships keeps you occupied. When a guy who’s looking for a genuine serious commitment comes along, he’ll see you as tied up with these flings and continue his search for someone who is available. You could lose a chance at exactly what you’re looking for by lingering in less than that. It’s okay and better in the long run to be alone until what you want presents itself.
  5. You’d be missing out. Whose fault would it be if you find yourself jealous of other people’s relationships? You can only blame yourself if you limit the possibilities of your connection to who you’re with by agreeing to less. You may not get to share photos of you two on social media, tell others you’re in a relationship or go on couples’ trips with your significant other. If you say yes to casual, you will only get what comes with that level of commitment and pass up on more.
  6. They don’t deserve it. You don’t need to give guys permission to be lazy. What’s the point of a non-committal relationship? If you’re not dating to marry, you’re wasting time and effort. Allowing a casual connection gives guys a cop-out for stepping up their responsibility and treating you with the respect you deserve. You don’t have to make a guy’s life easy just to keep him around.
  7. It’s kind of demeaning. If you agree to a casual connection when you want more, there’s no telling what will go on in your relationship. You could be allowing open hooking up, inconsistency, and a lack of special attention for major events and holidays. You can’t even complain because you didn’t set the proper boundaries to expect otherwise.
  8. You deserve to be happy. Why willingly consent to emotional martyrdom? Be real with yourself about what you want. If you keep doing what you’re doing you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting, so make a change and stop blocking your blessings. The only path to true fulfillment is to take risks for your goals.
  9. It’s not fair. Not only is this a disservice to you, but it also complicates things for the guy(s) you’re involved with. If they advertise interest/availability in casual arrangements and see you’re disappointed or too attached they have to either figure out how to ditch/bail on you, or if they’re a good guy, how to let you down easy. They likely just expected light-hearted fun and weren’t prepared for a sticky situation, so this puts him in a tough spot.
  10. It hurts the entire dating world. The dating scene would probably be better for all of us in general if everyone was clear on their intentions. That’s some of the attraction of online dating because the apps help you advertise what you’re looking for and part of what you’re about before exploring a connection further. If used properly this concept does eliminate possible major clashes. Being dishonest with partners only leaves them with negative experiences that may trickle over into how they treat the next person. Not to excuse toxic dating behaviors, but you never know if someone picked these up solely due to who they are or as a response to what they’ve been through with past dating attempts. Don’t ruin things for the next girl.
I’m Cara, not to be confused with Carrie, although you could say I’m a Millennial Bradshaw of sorts. Pop culture connoisseur. Lover of all things creative and passionate about health and personal well-being. Follow me on IG @cara_vale_writer