Why You Should Beware Of The Overly Charming Guy

The one thing you look for on a first date might actually be a subtle red flag: charm. While genuine charisma and politeness aren’t bad, too much charm in a guy is a sign to pump the brakes and back away. Here’s why you should always proceed with caution when dealing with the overly charming guy.

  1. He’s a player in disguise. Too much charm is a major red flag because what is charming to one woman is, in most cases, charming to most women: holding the door open, complimenting how you look, bringing you flowers… While they might seem chivalrous, none of these actions are particularly unique. But players learn to use them to attract women, knowing that their charming gestures always leave a good impression. That means that if he’s really skilled at being charming, he’s likely practicing his charm on plenty of other women too.
  2. He acts entitled. Excessive charm and flattery can be used as a weapon in dating. When a guy goes overboard with niceness and likability, he can use it against you later. In his eyes, he’s entitled to you because he treated you so “well.” And he might try to make you feel guilty if you want to end things, as if you should feel lucky to have such a nice guy.
  3. He might be love bombing you. If his charm and affection feel too strong too soon, he’s probably love bombing you. Watch if he showers you with compliments and romantic gestures, even before getting to know you. It may seem charming as first, but it’s only a manipulative ploy to keep you attached to him.
  4. He’s disingenuous. Overly charming guys seem perfect on the outside, as if they always know just what to say or do to sweep you off your feet. But the guy who always keeps his cool might not be so authentic after all. A guy with the right amount of charm is lovable for his vulnerability. He says what he means, even if it sometimes involves a little fumbling or awkwardness. But the overly charming type relies on the same rehearsed tricks to lure in women, even though he never means what he says.
  5. Charm can be manipulative. Aside from love-bombing, charm can be manipulative when used to make you believe someone is much more trustworthy than they really are. Their perfect quips and gentlemanly attitude will have you smitten, so that when they turn toxic, you’ll excuse their bad behavior. And they’ll know they have you hooked on their charm, making it easier to control and manipulate you to get what they want.
  6. They’re too good to be true. When your gut tells you someone is too good to be true, listen to it. It’s not that good guys don’t exist. They do, and they’re out there waiting for you to bypass the overly charming guy! A guy who seems too nice, too successful, and too smooth probably is. And he’s using his charming guise to distract from his real character.
  7. He’ll try to change you. Often, guys who learned to follow the rules of charm expect you to do the same. If they believe they need to always be the perfect gentleman, look their best, and embody charisma even on their worst days, they might hold you to perfectionistic standards too. And while it’s okay to always want to put your best foot forward, you don’t need someone else pressuring you to turn on the charm when you don’t want to.
  8. Deep down, he’s extremely insecure. Not all overly charming guys are narcissistic players. Some are totally unsure of themselves, just trying their best to win you over. But a guy who’s too insecure to know his own worth might rely on fake charm to please you and sidestep rejection. And that lack of confidence will make it hard to ever get to know the real person behind the charm, guaranteeing the relationship will never work out.
  9. He wants your attention, not you. A guy who uses perfectly-rehearsed charm isn’t trying to form a real connection with you. He’s only interested in winning over your attention and validation until he gets bored. Guys who care about you as a person will share the spotlight as they try to get to know you. They’ll listen to you and respect any boundaries you have. But the overly charming type will put on a self-absorbed performance, ignoring your true feelings yet trying to keep your attention as long as possible.
  10. Overly charming guys are more likely to gaslight you. Gaslighting is where you’re treated as if you’re crazy, until you start questioning your own sanity. And though not all overly charming guys gaslight women, their charm makes it easier to get away with. Overly charming guys behave so that you’ll put them on a pedestal. They’ll seem so smooth that you’ll trust their judgment—even above your own. Then, when they start gaslighting you, you likely won’t even notice, falling for every word they say and doubting yourself more and more.
Relationship educator, writer, host of the Relationship Reminders podcast, and mental health advocate hailing from the US and currently based in Tokyo