I’ve never been the type of person to start drama or enjoy it, but somehow, growing up, my friendships and love life were so chaotic I was worried I would never know peace. And the older I got, the more it escalated, to the point where it was scary. If you can relate, you know how problematic it can be. So why does your love life feel so chaotic, and how do you put a stop to it?
- Peace feels uncomfortable. Again, if you’re like me, you might have craved peace and found yourself in chaos. When you grow up with a chaotic home life, you don’t know better, so the mess feels comforting — even if, on some level, you want to change things. You can get addicted to the roller-coaster, so when something that’s not chaotic comes along, it feels alien and too good to be true and you find yourself unknowingly self-sabotaging.
- You want to save people. It’s not uncommon for women to feel obligated to “save” their partners and friends. If this is you, you find yourself drawn to messy or damaged people. While it’s admirable to be a good and supportive partner, it’s also not your job to save anyone but yourself. Plus, these people rarely ever actually want to be saved or will take the steps forward to do better. Instead, they’re a constant source of chaos in your life.
- You can function in chaos. Not everyone can function in the midst of chaos, and these people usually leave the second things start to get messy. You might be able to function and get by in chaos, but you can’t thrive in it. One of the reasons your love life is so chaotic is because you’re so accustomed to it that you don’t leave or react strongly in the face of drama.
- It’s a distraction. If you’re so preoccupied with drama, then you have no room to look at your own life. So, on some level, your love life is chaotic because there are issues in other areas of your life you’re afraid to confront. It’s easier to be surrounded by other people’s messes and tidy those up instead.
- You don’t think you deserve better. Although you may hate the chaos in your love life, a part of you doesn’t think you deserve peace and a functional relationship. Toxic people pick up on this insecurity and take advantage. That doesn’t mean it’s your fault. People shouldn’t be treating you poorly in the first place, but it’s something to work on to protect yourself.
What to do about a chaotic love life
- Work out why you’re attracted to certain things. On some level, whether conscious or not, you’re drawn to chaos in your regular life, not just your love life. It doesn’t mean you like it, but as mentioned earlier, it’s all you’ve ever known so it becomes familiar. Take a critical look at yourself, your exes, and your past to work out what drew you to those kinds of people in the first place.
- Seek help. If you suspect your chaotic life is a pattern caused by a traumatic upbringing, you should consider therapy. Therapy is great for talking about old wounds and working through pain, but it’s also a good tool to become aware of unhealthy patterns in your life and combat them.
- Stop trying to save people. You don’t need to stop being a kind, helpful person to put a stop to the chaotic elements in your life, but you need to draw the line somewhere. You can offer a listening ear and advice, but you can’t go so far as being a substitute for therapy and hold other people’s lives together. You’re not actually helping them as much as you think otherwise, because they’ve never going to learn or take tangible steps forward if you’re always fixing everything for them.
- Stand up for yourself. If you don’t want to break up, you need to start standing up for yourself and setting boundaries if your partner keeps involving you in their messes. It’s not fair if you have random people pissed off at you because your partner decided to involve you in an argument or having to apologize to other people on their behalf. Make it clear to your partner that you’re not sticking around if they don’t clean up their act.
- Don’t stoop to anyone’s level. It’s tempting to be petty. There’s not always a payoff for being the bigger person. But being chaotic only attracts more chaos. So, if someone is trying to make you jealous or provoke you in front of your partner, respond in a cool, composed manner or just leave the situation altogether.
- Be cautious about who you let into your life. If you have a persistent pattern of chaos in your love life, you need to be very cautious about who you let into your life going forward. Don’t allow yourself to be too vulnerable until you’re sure that person isn’t messy.
- Nip things in the bud. One of the ways I was able to tone my life down was nipping things in the bud if a red flag or a familiar pattern popped up. So this means calling people out at the first hint of drama. If it’s clear they’re trouble, consider distancing from people or outright cutting them off before you get too attached. Other people might think you’re overreacting, but if your love life has been chaotic for a long time, you know all the tricks in the book and what will come if you ignore the red flags. If you give some people an inch, they run a mile, so you need to be firm early because they’re probably trying to test you.
