Here’s Why You’re Chasing Unavailable Men & How To Stop

There are many reasons you might find yourself continually pursuing and falling for unavailable guys, but the key to changing that behavior is recognizing the motivations behind it so you can put a stop to it once and for all. Here’s what might be going on.

It feels good. Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t chase the guy if you weren’t getting some kick out of it. You’re not a sucker for punishment. Maybe it feels good to chase him because it makes you feel powerful, or maybe you like the idea of flirting a bit more aggressively than you’re used to. It can be thrilling.

You’re afraid to commit. You might be seeking out the married guy or the man who’s not looking for a serious relationship because you’re actually not looking to commit. It makes it easier for you to avoid falling in love and getting hurt by someone if they’re definitely not going to be able to commit to you down the line. It’s fine not to want to commit right now, but don’t make your life complicated and messy by getting entangled with the wrong guy.

You want to be the reason he changes. You know he’s a bad boy but you’re hoping he’ll change for you. It would feel quite amazing for him to put aside his toxic ways and become the perfect boyfriend only for you to enjoy, but this desire is all about your ego. It’s just about the thrill of changing him, not so much about having him, and it’s probably never going to happen that he’ll change. So ask yourself: do you want to spend your life chasing someone who’s never going to be yours?

You’re drawn to the wrong guys. Maybe the reason you’re always going for unavailable men is that you’re drawn to bad boys or it’s a case of the guys who are just out of reach being the sexiest and most appealing. Maybe you think the good guys are boring. Honestly, they’re not if you just gave them a chance. Try it for a change and you’ll see for yourself.

You don’t feel worthy of anything better. You might think that the guy you’re chasing is right for you because no one else wants you. Maybe you feel that you’re not worthy of a guy who would actually step up to a real relationship and commit to you so you focus on those who can only offer you a half-hearted effort. Focus on strengthening your self-esteem and you’ll see that you don’t have to chase the guy who’s not calling you back.

You’re trying to nurse old wounds. Remember that guy who broke your heart a few years ago or the guy who rejected you heartlessly the last time you took a chance on love? Those wounds are still there and you might be choosing an unavailable guy to chase because you’re hoping that by getting him to love you, you’ll make those wounds heal faster. Disclaimer: they won’t. Only you can heal yourself.

You want what you can’t have. Yeah, it’s intriguing. Sometimes the thing that you’re not allowed to have is the very thing—the only thing, in fact—that you want more than anything else. This need can become obsessive, but sometimes when you get what you want, the appeal fades. That’s something to bear in mind when you’re experiencing a one-track mind over a guy. He’s probably not going to seem as appealing once you have him walking around your house in his underwear.

You’re holding onto hope, however tiny. You know that the guy’s not going to magically decide to date you officially or leave his fiancé but you can’t help but hold onto the hope that he will. Oh dear. Maybe this is because he’s always so loving towards you that you can’t help but wonder “What if?” Stop wondering “What if?” about this guy and focus on other, more realistic questions, like “What if I waste all my energy on him and get nothing in return?”

You’re convinced he likes you. Maybe he really does like you, but he just doesn’t like you enough and that’s what makes him unavailable. Sticking around in the hope that he’ll escalate his feelings is a giant waste of your time. Remember that you deserve a fully-functional boyfriend with all the perks, not a WIP that’s actually way too much work for you.

You’re afraid to be alone. Sometimes being single can be scary. This could be why you hold onto the emotionally unavailable man even though deep down you know he’ll never be worthy of your time. By having an almost relationship, you feel like it’s better than being on your own and having nothing but it’s not. Think of all the things you’re denying yourself by holding out for this guy, like the chance to create your own destiny.

You’re looking for a distraction. You might be waiting around for an unavailable guy because it’s easier to try to change someone else than yourself. Maybe you’re looking outside of yourself for a distraction, and trying to get the unavailable guy to become a great boyfriend is a really good distraction. It’s also fun… at first, but not for long. Sooner or later, you’ll still have to look within yourself to deal with your issues. The great thing about doing that now is that it’s much more satisfying than trying to solve other people’s problems.

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