Why You’re Screwing Yourself Over When You Decide To Settle

Why You’re Screwing Yourself Over When You Decide To Settle ©iStock/AleksandarNakic

As a 30-something woman who has had her fair share of douchebags, I can look back and realize I only have myself to blame. Yes, the guys should be forced to take responsibility for being losers, but the person who should take even more responsibility is me for being the idiot who stuck with those losers for far too long. I was with men who didn’t deserve me and I didn’t do much to change that vicious cycle. If you, too, would like to be with someone who doesn’t deserve you, then keep reading. Here’s how to do just that from someone — me! — who knows how to swing this.

  1. Always put yourself second. If you want to be with someone who doesn’t deserve you, then it’s really important that you put yourself second at all times. When you put yourself second, you’re saying that your partner is more important than you, which they are are obviously.
  2. Let lies just roll off your back. So, you’ve caught your partner in a lie how many times now? Oh, you’ve lost count? Hey, that’s just how it is and you signed up for it.
  3. Never, ever stand up for yourself. In being with someone who doesn’t deserve you, you need to be a silent partner. You must take the humiliation that’s handed to you and do so with a smile. I mean, you could stand up for yourself if you really wanted to, but that would mean being in a relationship with someone who deserves you, and why would you possibly want that?
  4. Accept infidelity by justifying it. When people cheat on you, it’s totally OK! It’s normal for someone you love to act on all sexual urges without any regard as to how devastating it might be to you! It’s just sex! It’s OK! Yeah, you just keeping telling yourself that so you can sleep at night.
  5. Learn to love feeling like crap 95 percent of the time. If you really think feeling like crap most of the time is worth those few minutes of rare joy with your partner, then you definitely want to be with someone who doesn’t deserve you. Feels great, doesn’t it?
  6. Embrace the fact that trust will never be part of the equation. Basically, just succumb right now to the realization that you’ll constantly feel paranoid and like the bottom will fall out at any given moment. It feels soooo good to live that way, especially with someone who’s supposed to love you and be trustworthy.
  7. Realize your thoughts and opinions don’t matter. Wait – you have something you’d like to say? You have a thought that you’d like to share? Sorry, babe, but you need to shut the hell up. There’s no room for your thoughts and opinions in this space.
  8. Understand that your goals are a joke. I mean, it’s cute that you have goals, but they’re not as important as your partner’s goals. Although, what’s the point of you even having dreams and goals? It’s not like you’re going to amount to much.
  9. Have zero expectations. If you want to be with someone who doesn’t deserve you, then you need to accept the fact that if your car runs out of gas, your partner isn’t showing up to help – and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. You’re on your own, kid.
  10. Prepare to watch yourself disappear. I really hope you didn’t like yourself too much, because when you’re with someone who doesn’t deserve you, you just disappear. You’re not just a silent partner, but an invisible soul who’s been absorbed into their partner. Bye!
  11. Constantly doubt yourself. It’s very important to realize that your instinct about everything is pretty much wrong all of the time. In fact, you’re just wrong about everything all the time, in general. Why do you even bother getting out of bed in the morning?
  12. Know that you just don’t matter. From your feelings to your opinions to your ideas to your thoughts on what movie to watch tonight, you just don’t matter. But, hey, if you want to date someone who doesn’t deserve you, then you need to just know this to be fact.
  13. See yourself as inferior to everyone around you. A very wise woman by the name of Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This is a very true statement. What this also means is that when you’re with someone who doesn’t deserve you, you are consenting to being inferior; you are giving them permission to treat you less than the equal that you actually are. If that’s what you want, then that’s your choice. But, honestly, don’t you think you deserve more? There are so many fish in the sea, dear reader, and while you’ll run into many losers in your life, there are actually fantastic people out there who are never going to make you feel like crap. I can promise you that.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.