Why I’ll Always Be The First One To Fart In A Relationship

I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve discovered that farting in a relationship can bring two people closer together. It’s something most people try to hide from their S.O., but ripping one can be a huge relief in more ways than one and move the relationship forward. Here’s why I have no shame when it comes to farting around my guy.

  1. I like to establish dominance from the get-go. This may sound like a joke, but I like being the first one to hit relationship milestones! I figure farting is a great way to show that I’m super comfortable and I’m not messing around. I fart, I’m human, and I want to be the one that determines that it’s okay from the start. There’s no getting around it—farts are going to happen, so I may as well be the one to pave the way.
  2. It shows I don’t take myself too seriously. It’s important to have fun in between all the lovey-dovey stuff and the hard times in a relationship. A fart can sometimes be mortifying depending on the time and place it escapes, but no matter when that happens I will always try and show my playful side by cracking a joke and poking fun at myself. I want to show I can take a joke because I’m good at dishing them out myself. It’s important to be silly and farting is a great way to break the ice.
  3. It’s painful to hold them in! Honestly, we’re way past TMI, so I’ll just say it—holding those suckers in can have a really negative effect on the body. In addition to my stomach hurting, the more I do it, the more long-term these uncomfortable side effects can be and it’s not worth an embarrassing moment for stomach pain, I promise. No guy is worth stomach cramps—if I have to fart, I’m farting.
  4. It is a trust builder. I’m serious about this! I realize that hiding the fact that I fart isn’t as sketchy as hiding something like talking to an ex but the principle is the same. I don’t want to go into a relationship hiding anything, I want to lay my cards out on the table if this is someone I think I can truly care about. I’ll fart to show I’m not hiding a single thing about myself and hopefully, that can bring some additional trust in if there is ever any doubt.
  5. Farting can be a great inside joke. Typically the first time someone farts results in laughter, so if I get that out of the way, it has the potential to be a really hilarious moment shared between the two of us. The more of these private moments we have, the stronger my bond in our relationship gets and if farting can provide that, I’m all for it.
  6. It’ll secure the fact that I’m accepted. Honestly, no dude in his right mind should dump a girl because she farted in front of him and if there is someone out there that did this to me, I’d be seriously better off. It’s a great way to weed out a loser at the start of a relationship. If he can’t accept me farts and all, why would I want to be with him?
  7. It shows I’m committed. If I choose to pass gas in front a guy, it means I want him around for the long haul. If it’s super early on, I may wait a bit, but the second I feel like there’s potential for more, I’ll let it happen naturally without worry. It’s my small way of saying, “Hey, I’m here to stay.” I hope it would make him feel comfortable enough to do the same.
  8. The stress is too much. If I’m so paranoid about letting something slip that I end up worrying so much about it, I go nuts. The stress isn’t worth it over something that’s inevitably going to happen at some point anyway. I’d rather just get that out of the way so I can move forward and focus on more important things in the relationship. A fart shouldn’t be that big of a deal.
  9. Typically men do it first and I want to break that mold. Okay, so I don’t have anything but my own experience to back it up but I would say that the majority of relationships, and even friendships I’ve been in, the dude has been the one to fart first. Also, almost every girlfriend I have says they will wait until their boyfriend does it first. Why does it have to be this way?
jordan is a writer from salt lake city who enjoys a good steak, her dog, and conversations about how radiohead is awesome. she hopes to be a talking head on some VH1 pop-culture show someday and can curate a playlist for any occasion. when she grows up she wants to be an olsen twin.