Breakups are brutal, and they’re usually the times when we feel the most alone. If you’re lucky, you might have a friend or two who will stick around during and after a breakup. If you’re not, it’s even lonelier. Luckily, there is wine. Wine is your best friend at this time – even if you have other friends nearby. Here’s why.
If you rant at a wine bottle, the bottle won’t bring it up later. There’s something oddly cathartic about being able to get drunk enough to talk to a wine bottle about your problems. The wine bottle will not go around telling other girls what a hot mess you are, nor will it sit there tell you it’s your fault he left you.
Wine is always there for you, and if it isn’t, a trip to the store can fix that. You can’t pick up human friends at a store. Or, if you can, you’re unusually charismatic during a breakup.
It’s also true that a glass of wine can help calm you down. It’s not the healthiest coping mechanism, but it’ll do in a pinch.
It’s not exactly like wine can come up with excuses not to see you. If even the wine has begun to talk to you and tell you that it’s babysitting Jayden tonight, you might be a bit too drunk for your own good.
Wine goes with any occasion, and can work with any food. The same can’t be said about your mentally unstable friends, or that one crazy vegan chick you occasionally hang out with. So, even if you’re broken up, you can at least know that your vino companion can be brought everywhere.
The whole point of wine is that it gets you drunk without trying to pressure you to sleep with someone. It’s actually just like having a super supportive sorority sister in a bottle, 24/7.
Wine doesn’t judge you. The same can’t be said about your nosy mother, who still will occasionally complain about the fact that you don’t seem interested in marrying a doctor. The same also cannot be said for your friend who constantly “tsks” you when she sees you partying your butt off at the club. You can rant, rave, and cry around wine, and rest assured that wine will never, ever judge.
Wine will stoically sit next to you while you’re watching reruns of Maury to soothe your pain. Wine will never complain that it’s trash TV, nor will it ever try to change the channels. It won’t even complain when you watch daytime trash TV. Wine’s cool like that.
A glass or two can also help you get you in touch with a cute “Mr. Right Now.” No lie, wine loosens you up and helps you get your groove back. It’s the ultimate wing woman.
Wine will be cool with both the confident phases and crying phases of your breakup. Feeling confident and sexy and ready to paint the town? Awesome. You can bring both your BFFs and a good bottle of vino. Feeling like you need to crawl under the sheets and cry? Not a problem. Send the BFFs home, and let wine take care of you while you sob.
If you’re freaking out and unable to sleep, wine can help you snooze for a bit. A glass or two is all you need in order to get sleepy most of the time. It’s like having the Sandman be your BFF, except that sand isn’t tasty like wine is.
Unlike friends, wine will never tell you to “get over it, already.” Wine is a lot more patient with the mourning process than most friends you have, and if you’re going through a particularly bad breakup, wine might be the only one that will still be willing to comfort you.
Wine doesn’t pick sides. Friends do occasionally leave your side during a breakup, but wine doesn’t play that “divvy up friends” game. Wine doesn’t care for politics, it just sits there by your side regardless.
You don’t have to worry about wine dating your ex anytime soon. If you were in a position that involved your now-ex cheating on you with a friend, you may experience trust issues. It may even be hard to trust any of your friends, even though they didn’t all wrong you that way. Wine, however, is awesome, because you never have to worry about your boyfriend getting too intimate with it.
A good glass of wine can also make you feel classier. Wine is classy. You drink wine. Ergo, you are classy. It works!