Why I Wish I Hadn’t Spent Most Of My Life As A Serial Monogamist

I’ve been in rotating monogamy for a long time. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 13, and I’ve never had more than a six month break between serious relationships all the way up to my marriage. Even in those between times, I was always talking to someone, assuming it would lead to my next relationship.

Now, almost 12 years after I started my serial monogamy career, I’ve started to really learn about myself.  I know complaining about the past is no way to live in the present, but I hope that the lessons I learned too late will come to others a bit sooner.

  1. You need to cultivate friendships, too. This is going to sound bad, but I have very few friends, and those that I do have are much less involved in my life than I’d like them to be. You have to be a friend to have a friend. There have been countless times in my life where I was presented with an opportunity to cultivate a friendship, and instead of going for it, I decided to bail to hang out with my romantic relationship. While friendships can be just as flighty as relationships, you should put in more time fighting for them, because you never know when they’ll last a lifetime. I often wonder what my life would be like if I’d kept those friendships throughout my relationships andd really worked to be a good friend. My current friend landscape may not be so deserted today.
  2. Take time to develop your own personal values, thoughts, and opinions. Looking back at my serial monogamy career, I see one emotion that really stands out: the need to be wanted. That’s why I was a serial monogamist in the first place. I wanted to be craved, I wanted a guy to need me on more than one level. But in order to be wanted, you have to fit a certain mold. You have to be the perfect balance for them, which often comes with sacrificing some of who you are. For years, I changed who I was to fit the guy I was with, and with each of these personal infractions, I lost a little more of who I was as an individual. Now, years later, I have my own value system, one that I’ll fight for and refuse to sacrifice. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would be completely willing to fiercely spar over my ideals as opposed to forcing myself into a mold that wasn’t really me. Never back down from what you know is right, even the consequence is causing a rift in your romantic relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to listen to you, he or she probably isn’t right for you anyway.
  3. Focus on your passions, even if they’re not shared by others. I’m a people pleaser, and as such, I used to conform my own interests to suit whatever my partner enjoyed. When I dated a guy, I would shamelessly fall in love with his hobbies. When I finally started to delve into my passions a year or so ago, I came to a stunning realization: I have no idea what I like to do. I desperately searched my past to find out exactly where that emotion started and, to no one’s surprise, it was when I started dating. As a child, I did whatever the hell I felt like. Go play in the mud by myself? I’m on it. Write a 10-page book with awesome unicorn pictures? Give me an afternoon. I was always so sure of who I was until I started worrying about someone else in the picture. Luckily, I’ve realized this flaw and have been working hard to find out what I’m passionate about. I’m just mad that I gave up so much time before realizing it. Make sure you always remember what you love and why. Be true to yourself first.
  4. Learn to rely on yourself and be completely self-sufficient. Isn’t it crazy that it took me 12 years to finally believe that I was smart? That I was pretty? It sounds awful. Now, all the guys I dated thought I was the cat’s pajamas, and at some point I got the delusional notion that others’ opinions of me were much more important than my own. Especially the opinions of guys. Instead of looking in myself, I looked to my relationships for confidence. I never thought to rely on myself, to rely on the fact that I could motivate myself. In order for me to feel good in my own skin, someone else had to tell me.

I started learning that I deserved to be loved by myself very late, and it’s taken me some time to really grow comfortable with the idea. Remember, you’re the only person in your life who needs your approval. Learn to rely on yourself, not someone else, to tell you how great you are.

Megan is a California girl living the Midwest lifestyle. She's a writer, an adventurer, a promoter of her inner child and a smiling advocate. She runs the blog Femme Fantastique where she encourage everyone to be their happiest selves. She lives in Cincinnati, Ohio with her husband and two cats.
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