Why Won’t He Commit To You? There’s A Scientific Reason

Having The Talk is probably the scariest thing ever. You meet a great new guy, things seem to be going super well, and then, boom, he tells you that he’s just not looking for anything serious. Suddenly all your hopes are dashed and you feel like crap. You’ve been through this enough times to know that it’s not about you. But why won’t some guys commit? As it turns out, there’s a scientific reason:

  1. Some guys legitimately have a primal need for sex. Elite Daily interviewed expert Mark Stefanishyn who said that some guys honestly only care about the physical stuff. They have no interest in pursuing a relationship outside of the bedroom. This is just the way that some guys operate. He says that they might change in the future and decide that they want a commitment. Of course, you can’t wait around.
  2. You can’t change a guy’s mind. One of the most interesting points that Stefanishyn made is that you can do nothing about whether or not a guy wants to make you his girlfriend. Sure, you’re used to texting your BFFs and totally freaking out. You probably also think that you can change his mind or do something to make yourself seem more like girlfriend material. But you can’t. This is just the way that it goes sometimes.
  3. Society might be to blame. What is the message that society is usually giving out? That would be that guys want sex and girls want serious relationships, love, commitment, and all that jazz. You see that all the time in movies and on TV. As Stefanishyn said, “This means that there’s a ton of women who have a desire for a relationship, and a smaller number of men who want the same.”
  4. You’re not imagining it. Whenever a guy tells you that he doesn’t want to commit to you, your first instinct is to think that he just wants you for sex. It’s almost comforting to know that you’ve been on the right track all along. Comforting, but it still kind of sucks, of course. It can feel personal, since you’re being rejected, and yet it’s not personal at all. It’s all about him.
  5. You need to be in the driver’s seat. Another great piece of advice from Stefanishyn is that if you want to prove to a guy that you’re in this for more than just sex, then make sure that you don’t sleep with him super early on. You’ve definitely done that before and it usually works, right? When you prove that you’re going to wait a bit, you find out pretty quickly if this guy is in it for the long haul or just wants a hook-up.
  6. Maturity is a big thing. You and your friends might go for drinks and talk about how immature the guys that you’ve dated are, and Stefanishyn is one expert who thinks that maturity plays a big factor in romantic relationships. He says that if you’re going to find a guy who is worth turning into your boyfriend, he needs to be mature. Preaching to the choir, right?!
  7. You shouldn’t give it a second thought. Instead of wondering why your almost boyfriend never became your actual boyfriend, remember that you can’t force a guy to commit to you. While you have to make sure that he’s someone that you want to be with, the truth is that it’s just as much his decision, too. And if he’s looking for a purely physical thing and thinks that commitment is a boring, scary word, that’s on him. Just focus on living your awesome life and being your amazing self and eventually you’ll meet a super mature guy who just can’t wait to call you his girlfriend. And it’ll be so worth it.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.