I Won’t Fix A Guy’s Problems—That’s Something He Needs To Do Himself

I’m aware that no human being is perfect and that every guy is going to have his problems. However, even if I’m dating a man, his problems don’t become my own. If he wants to be with me then fixing his issues is just something he’s going to have to do himself. Here’s why:

  1. It’s not my job to clean up his proverbial mess. He has to learn how to fend for himself and handle his own crap. I’m not going to take another person’s problems upon myself. I have a job already and I have no interest in adding more work to my busy schedule. I want a boyfriend, not a project. I’m not a life coach. I’m not a therapist. If that’s what he needs, he shouldn’t be seeking a relationship.
  2. I have my own problems to deal with. I’m not waiting around until I find a man to have a life. I already have one and it has its fair share of problems just like everyone else’s. The difference is, I handle my problems on my own. I fix my own mistakes. Having someone else solve your problems is what kids do but I’m an adult, and I need a guy with the same level of maturity.
  3. I want someone who already has his act together. I’m not interested in guys who are still trying to figure their entire lives out. I want someone who’s driven and working towards a career he’s passionate about. I don’t want to be with a man who has no clue what he wants out of life. If he doesn’t have his crap together then we’ll never be on the same page and we’ll never be able to build a future.
  4. I know without a doubt that I can’t change a man. I’ve tried it before and I’ve watched all my friends try to change men, but the reality is that no woman can change a man. They have to want to change for themselves. I’m not going to waste any more time trying. I believe in growth, but I think that comes from within, not from a relationship.
  5. He needs to learn from his mistakes on his own. If I fix his problems for him, how is he ever supposed to learn? I think that one of the most important parts of life is being able to admit that you’ve made a mistake and then doing whatever it takes to rectify that mistake. That’s how I choose to live my own life. If I make a mistake, I want to learn from it to make sure I never end up in that same situation again.
  6. If I fix everything for him then he bears no consequences. I believe that the mistakes we make should have consequences. No one should be able to walk away scot-free. If he’s really sorry for the wrong choices that he’s made then he’ll be more than willing to pay the price for those decisions. If he thinks life has no consequences then he’ll go around not giving AF about anything or anyone and that’s not the type of man that deserves a woman like me.
  7. I want a guy who’s self-sufficient. I have no interest in waiting on a guy hand and foot. I’m not his mom and I’m not going to baby him. All boys have to grow up at some point and I’m not going to deal with a Peter Pan syndrome. He should be able to take care of himself and manage his own life. I’m not saying he won’t make mistakes, I’m just saying he needs to be independent enough to deal with them.
  8. There’s enough going on in my life already. Set aside the fact that I have my own problems to deal with from time to time, I’m still busy AF. I have a career I genuinely care about, friends I love spending time with, a family that means the world to me, and hobbies I’m passionate about. I have a life and I’m not going to give all that up to help a man put the pieces of his own life back together.
  9. I’m not interested in a relationship with tons of drama. I know every man will have his baggage but I have to draw the line somewhere. When his drama starts seeping into my daily life, that’s when I pull the plug. He might have a past but if he wants a future with me, he needs to do whatever it takes to put that past behind him. Some people might thrive on drama but I’m just not one of them.
  10. I don’t want to be dragged down with him. If his life is a mess, there’s a chance that letting him into my heart will make my life messy too. I’m not willing to take that risk. We all have to become mature adults at some point, and I’ve already done that. I got my act together all on my own and I expect any man I date to be able to do the same.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.