I “Wore The Pants” In My Last Relationship & Ended Up Miserable

Even in the most balanced relationships, there’s usually someone who’s just slightly more assertive than the other person. But when that power dynamic shifts too much to one side, the results can ruin the relationship entirely. I learned this the hard way when I dated someone who was way more passive than me, and now I know never to end up in that situation again.

  1. He was a pushover. When given free rein, I know I can be a bit bossy. I need to date someone who’s as stubborn as I am, but my ex… well, he wasn’t that. He was a super sweet guy, but he also let me walk all over him. I don’t want to date a bully, obviously, but the fact that my ex couldn’t even stick up for himself made me feel like I was the only one in the relationship who had a spine.
  2. He always expected me to be the leader. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being the one to make all the plans sometimes, but my ex got a little too accustomed to my tendency to lead. If I didn’t suggest we go on a day trip somewhere, it wasn’t going to happen. If I didn’t text first, we weren’t going to text at all. It wasn’t so much a manipulative thing or even a lack of interest for him — he simply didn’t know how to take on the role of the initiator in our relationship. Eventually, it wore on me, and I became resentful.
  3. I felt more like his mom than his girlfriend. My ex got so used to me handling everything that he began to seem almost incapable of doing basic things on his own. I had to remind him to pay his bills or call his parents back. He became lazy, and it was largely my own fault — I was so used to controlling my own life and then the relationship that it didn’t take long before both of us unintentionally accepted that I might as well take on a lot of the responsibilities of his life, too. It was such a subtle change that I didn’t even realize I was acting like a second mother to him until the relationship had already been ruined.
  4. He never called me out when I was wrong. I’m a straight-up jerk sometimes, and I know it. I’m lucky that I have friends and family members who put me in my place when I’m out of line, but my ex never did. There were times when I felt myself being a complete ass to him, and instead of standing up for himself, he just apologized (even when he’d done nothing wrong) and did what he could to make me happy again. I started feeling bitter because I was starting to see that I was with someone who didn’t respect himself or me enough to let me know when I was messing up.
  5. He could never make a decision. The response to any of my questions involving options was always “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” My ex had gotten used to taking the easy way out by letting me do all of the deciding, so when it came time to make minor decisions like where to go out to eat or who should be the one to take the dog to the vet, he never had anything to contribute. At first it was just a strange quirk, but after a while, having to make all of the decisions for two people frustrated me beyond belief.
  6. The relationship felt unbalanced. I crave balance in my relationships, and I sure wasn’t getting it with my ex. I felt like I had all the power, and while that’s something some people really love, it just made me uncomfortable. I wanted to be with someone who was my equal, but it was clear after a while that my ex was too passive to stand beside me rather than behind me. I desperately wanted him to step up and be more assertive, but it never happened.
  7. I felt like a nag. I really hate being bossy, but what else was I supposed to do when my ex wouldn’t do anything of importance unless I brought it up? Rather than taking initiative, he left everything up to me, and before long, I started to feel like I was constantly correcting him. Our relationship had developed from me being the more assertive one to me being the one who had to tell him to do everything if I wanted him to do it. I felt like a horribly bossy version of myself, and I didn’t like it one bit.
  8. He couldn’t do anything on his own. My ex became so dependent on me that eventually, he seemed incapable of doing anything by himself. He needed me to double-check to make sure that he was doing everything right, and that’s when it started to hit me that this relationship had turned seriously unhealthy. My assertiveness and his passiveness had collided and fed off each other until I’d developed a need to micromanage his life and he’d developed a need to be micromanaged.
  9. I didn’t like the person I became. By the time we finally had the sense to end the relationship, I was a different person than I’d been before. I was normally so good at being in relationships, but this time around, I knew that things had gone too far and turned me into a bit of a control freak. I returned to normal pretty much right after we broke up, but I took the whole relationship as a lesson to never again date someone who voluntarily gave me so much control over our partnership.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.
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