You’d think guys wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin sex once they’re finally getting it, but some aren’t that smart. While I wish I could list every stupid thing guys tend to say, this just covers some of the most common things guys say during sex to ruin it. We’ve all probably heard most of these at least once:
- The wrong name. Just no. You know my name. Get it right or just shut the hell up while we’re going at it. Say the wrong name and you’re getting kicked out immediately. No, I don’t care if you’re not finished.
- “Oops.” Seriously? I so don’t want to hear this when you supposedly slipped and tried to go in the wrong hole without permission. Ask. It’s that simple. No deception involved. Of course, this could always mean the condom just broke, which ruins everything for both of us — but that’s not exactly your fault.
- “Are you done yet?” OK, I’m giving you as many signals as I can. If you can’t figure out whether I’m done or not, you should just keep going until I tell you to stop. The moment you ask me this, my concentration’s broken and it’s over. I’m not done and I’m not going to be.
- “Hurry up.” All I really want to do is snap your penis with the condom at this point. It’s nice you can get off in three seconds, but I need a little more time. Maybe you should’ve focused on some foreplay first instead of being a selfish ass.
- “What the hell are those sounds?” We all have our own unique sounds during sex. Getting called out on it is not only embarrassing, but it’s a guarantee that I’m no longer in the mood. As long as I’m enjoying it, you should enjoy whatever sounds I’m making and be happy.
- “That’s your O face?!” I’m feeling great and you have the balls to make fun of my O face? What the hell? Who even does that? Hopefully you had fun this time, because that’s the last naked time you’re ever getting from me.
- “You’re kind of loose down there.” You’re super tiny, but I didn’t say anything, now did I? Sorry, I’m not the world’s tightest virgin. Maybe if you were a little bigger, it wouldn’t be a problem.
- “I’ve got to get that.” What? I’m naked and letting you inside me, but your phone’s more important? No problem. Go ahead and answer it. While you’re talking, I’ll just get dressed and leave.
- “Can I video this?” No. Hell no! While we’re at it, I’m not sending naked selfies either. I’m right in front of you. Pay attention now. Asking me this just means you’re not seeing me naked anymore.
- “Was your ex ever this good?” At least my ex wasn’t stupid enough to bring up my exes while having sex. Now that you mention it, though, he was better than you. I think I’ll just go home now and think about him instead.
- “You looked different with your clothes on.” No sh*t. I’ll try wearing a see through body suit next time so there’s no surprises. You’re not exactly as advertised either, but at least I was giving you a chance. Not anymore.
- “Do you smell that?” Smells happen during sex. Being grossed out over normal sex smells just shows me how immature and inexperienced you are. Sorry, I have better things to do. The only way this one isn’t a turn off is if we left something cooking.
- “I don’t like condoms.” I don’t have sex with losers. Guess we don’t have to worry about getting all hot and sweaty, after all. I don’t care what lame excuses you make. You either wrap it up or watch me leave. Real men protect themselves and their partner, so grow up already.
- “You’re on the pill, right?” You’re still wearing a condom, so get over it. The pill isn’t 100% and it doesn’t do anything against STDs. I’d prefer extra protection. Honestly, at this point, I’d just prefer you to leave me alone.
- “Want to insert weird thing here?”I’m glad you asked instead of just going for it, but maybe you should mention this before we got started. Now, I’m just kind of grossed out and I’m not really in the mood anymore.
- “Call me ‘Daddy.'” How does “loser” sound? Who the hell gets off on this? I’m not into incest and the last thing I want to think about while I’m naked with you is my father. That’s just disgusting.
- “Couldn’t you have shaved?” If you’re that concerned with a little body hair, maybe you’re not quite mature enough for sex. Sorry if I didn’t have time for a full body wax. Sometimes you just have to deal with some peach fuzz and stubbly hairs.
- “Let’s skip the foreplay.” Let’s just skip the sex, too. Foreplay isn’t optional — it’s required. I’m more than boobs and a vagina. Skip this and I’m skipping you.
