It’s naive to think that a few simple words can’t significantly harm your relationship. The truth is, that even if you say something in the heat of the moment and apologize for it right after, it can play on repeat in your partner’s mind. To keep that from happening, here are a few things that you should never say.
1. “I don’t want you speaking to…”
Telling your partner who they should and shouldn’t speak to is controlling behavior. It’s one thing if your partner is talking to their ex and that makes you uncomfortable. But it’s an entirely different thing to ask them to stop speaking to one of their close friends because you want your partner all to yourself. You should never force them into giving up a friendship.
2. “You should pay for this.”
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If your partner offers to pay for something or wants to split the bill with you, then that’s fine. Accept the nice gesture. But if you’re telling them that they should pay for something that they never agreed to, that’s a problem. Money issues can be a big issue in a relationship, and expecting your partner to pay for everything is selfish and controlling.
3. “Why don’t you love me?”
Your partner shouldn’t feel forced into doing things that they don’t want to do. So using manipulative tactics like, “If you loved me, you would”, to convince them to do something is highly toxic and damaging to your relationship. If you really loved them, you wouldn’t use emotional blackmail to get what you want.
4. “I hate you right now.”
It’s one thing if you say it as a joke when your partner eats your last slice of pizza, but if you’re saying this in a serious context, like during an argument or disagreement, then you’ve got a big problem. You shouldn’t feel hatred towards your partner. Frustration at times, yes, but never hatred. If you genuinely hate them every time you argue, then you definitely shouldn’t be together.
5. “It’s all your fault.”
It’s easy to point the blame at someone else rather than owning up to your own mistakes, but this kind of behavior will quickly ruin any relationship. It’s not fair to place all of the blame on your partner, especially if you’re both at fault.
6. “You’re always messing things up.”
Sure, your partner will make mistakes sometimes, but it’s not fair to keep bringing it up. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Making them feel like they’re not good enough will make them resent you and your relationship. Cut them some slack!
7. “You’re terrible at that.”
We can’t all be great at everything, but putting your partner down repeatedly whenever they try their hand at something new, damages their self-esteem and confidence. You should be by their side, encouraging them and telling them that they can do it. Don’t be the problem.
8. “I put up with you.”
You shouldn’t have to put up with your partner—that suggests that you don’t really enjoy being with them or spending time together. Telling your partner that you’re just dealing with them can make them feel like they’re inadequate and they might even start to doubt your love for them entirely.
9. “I don’t care.”
As their partner, you should care! Telling them you don’t when they talk to you about something that matters to them sends the message that you don’t prioritize them or the relationship. Don’t be surprised if they decide to walk out and find someone who does care.
10. “Why can’t you be more like…”
You should never compare your partner or your relationship to anyone else’s. Doing this makes your partner feel like they’re not good enough for you. And it’s likely that no matter what they do to try and impress you, you’ll never be satisfied. If you can’t accept them for who they are now, they’ll never be enough.
11. “I’m so far out of your league.”
Saying that you’re out of your partner’s league could be seen as a funny joke occasionally, but if you’re saying it to put your partner down, that’s a huge red flag. It’s not funny to intentionally use your words to hurt your partner and it could damage a relationship real quick.
12. “I could be with anyone else.”
Well if you could, then why don’t you? This is another manipulative tactic to belittle your partner and make them feel like they should feel lucky to be with you. In a relationship, you should both feel lucky to be with one another. But if it’s one-sided, then that’s an issue.
13. “I don’t believe you.”
If you don’t believe your partner, then you shouldn’t be together. It’s as simple as that. Telling your partner that you don’t believe them means that you also don’t trust them. Without trust, you haven’t got much else.
14. “You need to get over it.”
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If something is bothering your partner and they want to share it with you, then you should let them talk. Expressing that it’s not important or that they need to get over it is completely invalidating and makes them feel like you don’t care about their feelings. Encourage them to get things off their chest rather than expecting them to bottle things up!
15. “Why do you have to leave?”
Naturally, you want to spend a lot of time with your partner. It’s probably one of the best parts of your day. But sooner or later, they have to leave to go to work or see friends or run errands, and you have to be okay with that. Saying things like, “Why do you have to leave?” or “Please don’t leave me” makes you sound very clingy, which can make them feel suffocated. Let them do what they have to do. Some time apart will be good for both of you.
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