Does anyone actually like going a first date? I sure as hell don’t. They’re usually awkward, you don’t know what to say and it’s usually just a big waste of time. I think out of every 10 you go on, you only want a second date with maybe one or two of them. Most of these dates are just boring or there’s no connection at all. Then we have the worst first dates. These are the ones that truly make us dread ever trying again.
I’ve had the “pleasure” of going on all these. While I’ve had some uniquely horrible dates, I think we can all relate to the ones we have to go through on a regular basis.
The “I forgot my wallet.”
Women are perfectly capable of paying for a date. I know I never go on a date without making sure I have my wallet with me. I also have this rule though that whoever asks the other one out is usually the one who pays. At the very least, let me know upfront if you’re planning on going dutch. Nothing’s more annoying than the feigned “oops, I forget my wallet” excuse. Seriously, we all known you’re just being cheap.
Let’s hang out with my friends.
Excuse me. I thought “we” were going out on a date. I never agreed to dating your whole group of friends. Hell, if I wanted to go out with a bunch of people, I’d just went out with my own friends.
The history lesson.
I’m glad you’re so open. Wait…no I’m not. It’s a first date. I don’t need to know about every person you’ve dated, what you did in bed, your family history and all your not so wonderful issues. If you want a second date, keep the history to a minimum for now.
It’s all about the phone.
I just want to reach across the table, rip the phone out of his hand and smash it into the nearest wall. I actually did text a guy during dinner to let him know I was leaving. He actually had the audacity to ask me why. During a date, put the phone away!
Want to meet my family?
No. Absolutely not. It’s our first date. I don’t even know if I like you that much yet. Why would I want to have to pretend to like your family? As if trying to make conversation with you wasn’t hard enough, you want me to explain to your parents and siblings who I am and how I see our non-existent relationship going?
Let’s try my favorite fetish.
You don’t even know if you’re getting any yet. Let’s just hold off on the kinky stuff for now. I’m happy you get off sucking toes or wearing a furry costume. Let’s just focus on dinner and we’ll worry about sex later.
Ready to go back to my place?
Once again, let’s see how the date goes first. I’m trying to get to know you. Pushing me to inhale dinner just so we can back and hook up isn’t going to turn me on. I know you worked hard to clean a path to your bed, but if you pressure me, it’s definitely not going to happen.
Taking it to church.
I thought we were on a date, not at church. I don’t mind if you talk about religion or politics or any other controversial topic. Just keep your mind open and don’t start trying to shove your opinions down my throat. I’m not hear to be preached at – about anything.
Nothing like the pictures.
Online dating blows. I’ve yet to meet a single guy who looks like his pictures. I’ve dated some who were close, but I’m pretty sure most just find some other random guy’s picture and use that. One guy actually had to show me his license just to prove to me he was the guy I’d met online.
Having to ask your mom for money in front of me and then burping my name in the restaurant isn’t impressive. If you’re still that big of a child, don’t bother dating at all. Once you’ve grown up, maybe we’ll talk. For now, why don’t you just let your mom take care of you?
The “had way the hell too much.”
I usually try to avoid drinks at all on a first date. It’s too easy to have one too many during a bad date. Besides, after seeing quite a few dates try to impressive me with their drinking skills, I’ve found it’s best to just skip them altogether. Yes, I love that you’re slurring my name, stumbling around and believe you’re God’s gift to women. Oh yeah, that’s right. No, I don’t.
Run errands with me.
I guess you didn’t have time to date me and get your groceries this week. It’s definitely a different type of date. It’s just not exactly fun to help you gather up TV dinners, drop off stuff at your parents’ place and install a TV at your friend’s house. When you have more time, we’ll date then.
I’m sure you have plenty of your own to add to this list. If you haven’t been on all these yet, just wait. It’s like a right of passage or something.
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